enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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quick notes on the job and everything

I'm weary. Please excuse the curtness of this entry.

It has been an interesting week. I discovered on Wednesday that one of my garment bags had somehow received water damage during the move. As a result, most of my shirts were ruined. Not such a bad thing since many of them were old, slightly too large, and, well, I do enjoy a little bit of wardrobe sprucing now and again. But on short notice I could not locate any decent shirts that I felt it worth buying. I can think of few things I enjoy less than fruitless shopping.

As for work, I both love and loathe it, which is what I expected. My boss is great--for now--and the unit is quiet. You could hear a pin drop. This is to be expected, I suppose, since everyone in it is an introverted economist who is being paid to push out and shop research papers. I like working on my own, so I'm OK with this. I could seriously go through a whole day without talking to anyone though and that does not seem a recipe for my long term health.

Duh.

So the projects that I must complete before the end of December, in order to secure my job, are rather intensive. (Actually, the boss said that if I manage to complete these I will have exceeded his expectations...so of course I aim to complete them, in spite of less being sufficient to secure the job.) I'm reworking a child poverty paper, first. Second, I'm working on a brand new research agenda with a crazy guy in Vancouver. I say crazy because he is much more experienced than I--having worked with the varied relevant data for nearly ten years--and he expects me to read everything and scope out data sources and create a project outline by Tuesday. Whatever. It is not my job to work on weekends though so he will get what I can do in the one day he has allotted to my deep concentration on the issue. I suspect that I am smarter than he is, so I'm going to retain confidence in my potential contributions to the project.

The good thing about working with a guy in Vancouver is that...I should be able to take a couple of paid research trips to Vancouver this fall. A surprise bonus.

The third project that I am going to have to complete is quite an amazing one. My boss wants me to put out an empirical policy support book by December that will excite policy wonks and get us some publicity. And he wants to shop it to a real publisher (i.e. other than Her Royal Majesty the Qu33n's Printer ;)). With the other two projects on my plate I am, well, convinced that he's a lunatic. I like being challenged in such a way, however, and this is what I am here for so my juices are actually flowing. It is so easy to see in my reaction to this the fundamental flaw in my character, or rather the fundamental pathology in my life's course that has involved very little or no planning:

I am habitually self-flagellating.

The only thing likely to rescue me this fall is my commitment to working at work (although I work a bit late) and not working on my weekends. To this end, I even went on a date last night. This guy has been pressuring me to meet him for quite some time. On the plus side, he was 1) more attractive than expected; 2) easier to talk to than expected; 3) more articulate and brighter than was anticipated from his writing. On the negative side, we went for a walk on which he seemed determined to prove his fitness. We speed-walked about ten km after dinner. This was extremely odd as 1) he had not indicated that a fitness test was on the agenda for the date; 2) I was wearing heeled boots at the time; 3) he talked incessently about the dozens of experiences he has already had with online dating.

Anyhow. So I had a reasonably good--or at least amusing time--with this guy, but I made a move to rush off on my bicycle to preclude suggesting a desire for involvement. My guess is that this guy is going to be looking, looking, looking for a while. I've long believed that you have to take things a little bit more slowly and seriously. If you like someone on a first date, it makes sense to go on a few dates to see if more develops. I do not expect to fall in love on a first date. In fact, as I've mentioned before, if I were to fall in love on a first date I would almost immediately try to slap some sense into myself.

The other exciting event of yesterday, and the likely reason that I am feeling pale, drab, and drawn today, is that I was caught in one hell of an electrical storm on the way home from work, and before the date. It literally passed right over me on my bicycle. I felt like an idiot for riding in it, and I was actually petrified when I saw lightning strike THE GROUND just a few metres away from me. I promptly got off my bicycle and found shelter in a storefront alcove. Not pleasant. The storm took what seemed like ages to pass, was moving slowly in the DIRECTION IN WHICH I WAS RIDING HOME, and by the time I actually made it home I was chilled right through. Not the best end of the day. I had exactly one half hour to get ready for my date, and also to travel the mile and half to the restaurant at which we were meeting. In other words, my hair did not look particularly great at this meeting. :) I'm convinced though that the best way to approach these dates is to put in no effort and to have no expectations. It's an obvious point but being liked au naturel--in both personality and appearance--is a respectable goal.

Oh well. I think I shall waste a little more time trying to shop. I live very, very near the central mall-a ten minute walk--which depresses me a little.

OH! Before I forget: You can assess readily my anticipated dissatisfaction with my job from the fact that I contacted one of my two best Foreign Affairs contacts yesterday from work. He was supposed to be returning to Ottawa from overseas this summer but instead has taken another posting. Not the best outcome. Out of the blue, however, one of my former bosses from the department sent me an email yesterday. Unfortunately, he is the one who started hitting on me intensively in the last few years of the last century. I hadn't heard from him since then. How his spidey sense gathered that I am in Ottawa again I do not want to know. He heads up one of the foreign policy branches. Although completely unqualified, I may in fact have to hit him up for a job.

Just as long as I don't have to flirt with him.

Sigh. I suspect that I am going to be a research economist holed up in my little cubicle for a very long time. Sigh again.

I realize more than anything that I am feeling incredibly lonely. Something about going out with a bunch of people and not connecting deeply with anyone leads one to feel the depth of one's loneliness, in a way that just doesn't happen in one's apartment. Hmmm...

2:01 p.m. - 2006-09-09

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