enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Monday Monday

Well, for all that effort to eat right, relax, not drink anything, and exercise this weekend...I'm tired this morning.

I blame C. He asked me to go running last evening and I agreed. He's incredibly unpleasant to run with these days though, so it was terrible! It was as though he was in a race. On the run he also informed me that he is thinking about doing a half marathon this fall.

To be honest, the whole thing is annoying me. C. has never before in his life (and I mean, I have known him for ten years and he was around for the last five years of my marathoning career) expressed any interest in running a half marathon. Suddenly he wants to run a half marathon, and do it quickly, and I know it has something to do with impressing a girl/competing with people here.

Lately he has been obsessed with his Ultim@te frisbee team. He will never miss a practise or game, not for anything, and he's even taken on the duties of captain.

This all sounds positive to some, I realize. But to me, because I know him, I know it's bad news. He becomes sort of obsessed with things. He's now likely to injure himself at some point and he's going to be miserable. A couple of years ago he took a bunch of salsa dancing workshops. He insisted that he was serious about dancing and that he wasn't doing it to impress a girl he was rather obsessed with, but of course that wasn't true. He swore up and down that it wasn't about the girl, but since he quit salsa dancing he admits it was about the girl.

I know I'm whining about someone else. Why?

I don't know. I was thinking about it yesterday and I realized that it was partly that I wanted to be able to enjoy my run and it was instead like running with a bull. He won't even wait for traffic to pass at the side of the road. He's on the road running through the cars to get to the other side. When we passed a group of people on the bike path and there was no way to pass, he ran up on a stone barrier. It's idiotic. I'm all for energy, but I find I want things to go more slowly and not more quickly. I am old and tired, dude!

Seriously, I was very tired this weekend. Maybe I should take my vitamins. Not sure. I suspect it's just that I had poor sleep this week because of my neck problem, and I'm still waking up with the neck problem. Probably that's all it is. But I feel so weary...

Anyhow. That's me complaining. Why am I complaining about C? I think it's because every fucking person in this town is incredibly yuppie. They all join an Ultim#te frisbee league and they all want to "run" a marathon. It's the new, cool thing.

When C. was leaving Montreal he was still passionate about the idea of becoming a journalist. He used to talk in a big way about social justice and so on and after three years he has done no volunteer work here. It's not for me to decide what he does, of course, but I would love to see some sort of an authentic voice coming from my friend. These days he just seems like another one of these gerbils on a treadmill. Soon he's going to buy a massive house and get an SUV and I'm going to lose it! ;)

Just kidding.

I know I shouldn't impose my values on anyone else.

Sorry for THAT rant.

I'm tired. Did I mention that?

Otherwise, I feel OK. I'm not particularly stressed about work. I managed to get an awful lot done on Friday after the lecture, so I left there feeling good about my work. I've got more to do on the new project (and that unfortunately involves interacting with the SE), but things are on track.

We have a retreat for work this week. I had to fill out yet another My3rs-Brigg test. I have always been an INFP, and I understand exactly why. I've done professionally-administered tests and also of course self-administered ones. What I find interesting though is how things about us change over time. For example, my natural inclination is to be late, dreamy, a bit out of step. But one thing that my life and my career have trained into me (and maybe anxiety has done it, come to think of it) is planning. I've become pretty good at organizing and planning. I'm always on time now, for example. I've learned to write lists and organize my work. My desk is even not as crazily messy as it used to be, although that still arrives at a particular point.

Anyhow, what I meant to say is that I think I could be a borderline INFJ now at times. The INFJ, being more judging than the INFP, tends to angle idealism at activism. I like to think that I COULD become a more productive dreamer.

Well, that said, I think I'll sit at my desk for just a wee moment and do a sketch.

Oh, I haven't heard from Andrea. I am doing pretty well at just accepting that. That's how he is. He doesn't like email and never uses it. He set up that hotmail account for me and probably hasn't checked to see that I wrote to him on Friday. He's also busy with his parents. It's disappointing, but I have to accept. One thing I've learned is that you can't make someone else do what you want them to do. You get a lot further by giving everyone else in your sphere their full freedom.

My goal for tonight: Write a list of all of the things I've ever been good at. From this I will make a list of possible alternative jobs, ways to transition out of my current job.

Love, dolls!
XOXO

PS Do you know, I was walking the other day in the pedestrian mall near work and a busker started singing "H3re Comes the Sun" just as I walked by. It really moved me. I don't know why. It's now an ear worm.

7:55 a.m. - 2010-06-14

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