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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Determination and enthusiasm.

I'm having a lovely, relaxing weekend.

Yesterday I listened to some Writ3rs and Comp@ny broadcasts, did some cooking, worked on my pink sweater, and went out and did a long run and then a training session on my bicycle.

The latter bit is part of a new resolve. I realized that I've been relying a bit on my past exercise achievements to feel that I am still young in body. But the truth is that I am actually forty.

As an aside, I find it fascinating how people forget that they are forty or older on the outside. I meet people all the time who you can tell still think of themselves as having the bodies and faces that they did when they were thirty, even though they are sixty, say. It's quite interesting. Joan even said to me repeatedly that her hair hadn't greyed, that she was still a blonde. She goes to the hairdresser to get highlights, but otherwise her hair is natural. But the thing is that to me, her hair was grey. It looked like grey hair with blonde highlights. I thought it was a very attractive cut and colour, but I didn't understand what the problem was with acknowledging that it's grey hair! I like grey hair, especially if it's well groomed. It's really interesting, no, how the brain tricks us?

I was looking in the mirror on Friday though and realizing that I looked tired. I didn't like the pallor of my skin. And when I thought about it, I realized that I haven't been taking as good care of myself as I thought I had.

I'm not talking about vanity here. I'm fine with wrinkles, and the fact that my hair is thinning and going grey. Those things happen. But I always remember a woman in her sixties who used to run with my club in Vancouver. She had wrinkles and grey hair and wore her hair cropped very short. But she was so beautiful and fresh in her presence, simply because her skin and eyes glowed with that brilliant good health that can only come from eating properly and doing serious exercise (and laughing and enjoying life, etc., although she had character lines from sadness, too, which are equally important).

I never thought I'd get to be as lazy as I have done of late. Of late, most of the time the one hour of walking to and from work has been what I've been doing. I've run twice a week with Claus in the last two weeks, but not very far. When I get home at night, most nights, I have no desire to go out running by myself. I never thought I'd lose my motivation, but I have. Running feels like a real drag. Most of the time I want to cook something and have a glass of wine. I also suspended my gym membership for the summer, as I didn't want to pay when I'd prefer to be outside.

But I've decided this: I want to have more energy and to get optimal sleep. So I'm cutting out all wine, going to spend more time cooking a greater variety of meals, and I'm going to run, for at least a half hour to an hour, every day. I'm completely committed to this.

I don't want to FEEL old before it's necessary. And as a nice side effect as well, I'm sure I'll look better as the glow returns to my skin and the bags under my eyes dissipate.

That's what I've been thinking about this weekend! It's difficult to sustain a level of attention to the body. It's difficult to have the discipline to get to bed early and to get up and run in the mornings. This is particularly true as I have so many other things that I want to do. This year, however, is the year of moving forward on everything and I need strength and energy to do this. I feel an incredible surge of joy and enthusiasm!!


I feel so incredibly fortunate to have my wonderful apartment. With the door open to the balcony and overcast skies yesterday, I was reminded of rainy days at the cottage on a lake. I have little birdies growing on the balcony (a bit like having pets, but without any responsibility - I get to watch them grow but nature is taking care of them :)). I now have potted vegetables on the balcony. I have an old, wooden screen door that swings.

Yesterday, I had all the windows open. I love the fresh feeling as the wind blows from end to end - from the spare room through to my drawing space. Lovely and fresh!

Today, it is sunny. I might just go for a bike ride. (I'll bet that Fifi is canoeing!! I'm envious!) But first, drawing here I come. I don't know what the big artistic project is that I'm going to take on, but I've noticed, as is pretty obvious, that the key is always to start with small creative actions each day. Eventually THE big project that is right for me will present itself. I'll be ready.

I'm going to visit this garden again in my mind, for just a minute. Isn't it lovely?


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XO

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10:17 a.m. - 2010-06-13

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