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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Disjointed ramble

Interesting day.

I do wonder about nature though. The pigeon babies are nearly grown. They have, however, been sitting around in their own poop (plus mom's poop, I believe) for the last two weeks. There's so much poop in the tub that they're in that I'm going to have to get a mask in order to clean it out. Really, really icky, I must say.

I wonder though. What did I think that baby birds did with their poop before they were ready to fly?

There's something very very centring in being in close proximity to nature. I'm in awe of the fact that feathers grew in a matter of four days or so. Whole, fluffy feathers! What an amazing process!

OK. I'm going to go back to drawing. I promised C. I'd go running this evening and I really don't want to. I believe I shall keep it a somewhat brief one.

I've enjoyed being at home today. I went through my closets and I realize that I am indeed very ready to get rid of many of my clothes. I don't want to hold onto anything from the past. Some of my perfectly good clothes feel too young for me now. I want to embrace who I am now.

Speaking of change, I sewed the straps on my wonderful soft brown silk-linen MaxMar@ dress (it came with straps) that I wore to the garden party last year. The Italian salesgirl said she liked it better strapless, but I have to say that I find wearing strapless incredibly annoying and uncomfortable, even though this dress is absolutely classic and beautiful (think Mich3lle Pf3iffer at the Osc@rs a couple of years ago). I sewed the straps on the dress today and it now feels incredibly comfortable. I'm going to wear it to this year's party. A classic is a classic! At the moment, the dress is a bit loose on top, so it would have required taking in in order for it to stay where it was meant to stay. It seems that I lost maybe five pounds right after returning from Italia. But then again, I always lose weight in the summer as I tend to eat a lot of fruit and less cheese and meat. Anyhow, no boobs will be falling out of my dress as the opera singers sing.

I'm feeling quite different these days than I used to feel. It feels something like a kind of surrender. Maybe it's self-acceptance? Definitely it's gratitude for all that I have. I was reading something very interesting about self-acceptance the other day, which is pretty obvious to all but a self-love moron like me. Loving yourself is not about pumping yourself up and thinking that you're great and wonderful. It's about loving yourself even for the things about you which are not wonderful. I really like this, because it gets at the point that I'm always annoyed with in the whole "positive thinking" movement. No one is ever allowed to be critical, everyone is beautiful and smart, etc. etc. But if you reshape the whole endeavour into permitting critique whilst loving even the negative parts (stupidity, weakness, pride, bad habits, etc.) of yourself that you want to work to change, it all makes a much more harmonious whole.

Well, anyhow. I'm rambling about pretty much nothing at all. All I had really wanted to say was "It's good to be home."

I don't know how I'm going to wait forty days for my arugula to be grown! Argh!

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5:36 p.m. - 2010-06-13

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