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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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S@TC

YOu know, I'm staring into this white box and knowing that I ought not to write anything in it.

Why spoil what was a really lovely evening by bringing myself down?

Tonight actually WAS really nice. I met a few women from my department that I've never met before. The woman with the apartment in Italy was also there. The conversation was fun and I was in it.

At the same time, the conversation was all about weddings, honeymoons, babies and houses. Don't get me wrong - the girls were pleasant, intelligent and interesting about it - but after being breezy with them and admiring their rings and hearing about their wedding plans, etc., etc., and then watching that consumer orgy of a movie, it was just about impossible for me to take the long, solitary walk home without thinking of Andrea and feeling a little bit sorry for myself. I know...Why start? I know this is the wrong road to start walking down and so why ruminate?

I guess in a way I wish I had told him, when he asked, that I would maybe consider changing cities one day. I basically told him that my job and my pension were important and that I couldn't afford to switch at this point in my life.

And in actual fact that's completely true. But I do wonder whether everything about me has become so independent that I am going to forever be shooting myself in the foot.

Ah well. What can I do? He's such a mystery. He doesn't like to write and so I know I won't hear from him much. But at the same time I know that he'll be at the airport in three months, if he's still single (and even if he's not single, I know that he will try to take care of me. He told me so. For some reason I am sure that he is not someone who says things he doesn't mean.).

GAAAAAAAAAAAH! It's so maddening and so stupid.

But on another note, my brain was completely on holiday today at work. I could not solve what should be for me a simple problem. I wonder if I was having an anxiety attack.

OK. Phew. All of the stuff that was bothering me as I put the key in the lock tonight is off my chest.

Good things:
-I feel peaceful, or at least I think I do, as I had a further conversation with my boss yesterday about my evaluation, and I understand that they are all impressed with my work. They sort of have to limit the "extra special" ratings, so to speak.

-I got home to find a cheque for about 2/3 of the dental appointment that I had last week that I didn't think was covered. So that is nice. There also was a very odd $100 deposit to my bank account today, which I don't understand but it seems to be work-related. Money is money, I guess. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. And I really felt that: grateful that my life is safe and I have a good job.

-The crink in my neck is slowly going away, although my shoulder still hurts.

-I had two lovely weeks with Andrea, and even though that is currently torturing me, I do recognize that it was a gift.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to work on NOT RUMINATING. It won't help. Things are as they are. I can't snap my fingers and expect them to magically, *poof*, be any different. And thank God, anyhow, that I'm not one of those women married to the completely WRONG guy. XO

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10:56 p.m. - 2010-06-10

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