enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Cramped

Good morning.

A little bit less cheery than last night...my upper back/neck has completely seized up. I woke up at 6 a.m. and it was difficult to lift my head up.

I'm sure it will pass though...and if it doesn't I do have my lovely doctor to visit.

I don't know what it is that is making me feel so peaceful. I suspect that it is Andrea, or rather the experience with him. He has only written to me twice since I've been back, and I'm not expecting him to suddenly increase the frequency. Somehow I seem to be managing to relinquish easily any fantasy that something long-term will develop and suddenly I'll be able to move to Italy...or whatever (which I told him I don't even want, anyhow :)).

But I think he gave me a great gift in making me feel important and special.

Last night when I was running with C. I was thinking about this. C. drives me crazy. I love him so much as a friend, but he is an incredibly impatient person and I can't stand that. C. was basically racing me last night, since everything needs to be competitive and he needs to rush around. I had told him that my back/neck were bothering me. As a result, I had an uncomfortable run, but C. wouldn't slow his pace down to meet me.

And then I was thinking about Andrea. Andrea is the kind of person who is willing to adapt to your pace. He did exactly that when I was there. He can have a good time by meeting someone in the middle, not always trying to control the way that things go.

So that's what I hope to find (eventually) in another guy.

At the moment, I'm hoping that I'll see Andrea again in the fall. Before that, I think I'm going to forget about dudes. It feels as if there is too much else to do. I'm keen on trying to find some girlfriends in this city. I'm starting that this week and next. I'm also going to drift around different festivals and exhibitions around town and hopefully will encounter new and interesting people by doing that. I feel breezy. I don't know how I got here, but I think that the Andrea experience gave me renewed confidence and patience. Nothing about that was constructed or controlled by me. After he called me at Easter I expected we would likely meet up when I was there, but because I didn't hear from him again after that I certainly didn't expect him to be at the airport to pick me up. I let it happen as it felt like happening.

I guess what I'm saying is that (Boxx always said this, no?) things always work out in the end.

That's not to be slight about anything. When bad things happen they are often not even remotely fair. I can only think positively and hope for a positive outcome for those people.

Gah...off to French class today. Should eat some breakfast. Be well. XO

7:53 a.m. - 2010-06-09

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