enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just me rambling through the past

Gah I have no alcohol tolerance. I always limit myself to no more than about a glass and a half of wine, and last night that took me over the top. I drank and drank water and had a long, long sleep. Oh well!

I was thinking as I was lying in bed this morning that I probably shouldn't drink at all right now. I don't want to be numbing myself so that I don't think about Andrea.

But I was feeling good last night BEFORE I even had a drink, and I felt fine afterwards, so I realize that that is just another example of one of my *rules* of living that I set for myself in order to achieve some kind of inexistent perfection.

Really. That's me in a nutshell. Always holding myself to hyperstandards.

Every day, not the call but the *knowledge* that I will do something different with my life than what I am doing (eventually) gets stronger and stronger. I'm starting to trust it. This weekend I will do something about it.

Yesterday, at lunch, I went out to buy things for the social that my boss had forgotten (he always has lots of time to eat, miraculously). As I walked back I realized I hadn't had lunch, so I grabbed something at the little bakery near work. It's kind of a hippy/boho bakery, and when I was standing there I was looking at the people working away and the dude with the ponytail who was talking to someone and I thought, "I want to be around people like these. I want to be around creative people."

I don't think I was exactly off track when I became an archivist/librarian. I didn't like the studies/work (not sufficiently challenging), but I did like the people around me. They were extremely arty and intellectual, as a rule. One guy was even a professional playwright. I like such people.

Gaaaaaaahh...that thorny issue of earning money. The money tends to be where the (traditionally) creative people are not (I'm not including "creative" high tech workers or "statisticians" who work for G00gle here). Maybe I need a word other than "creative." What I said to my doctor the other day is that I'm having trouble finding "independent thinkers" in my normal milieu.

I don't know. I'm sure there's a happy medium.

Last night I did feel one stroke of sadness, however. Does it ever happen to you that you look at photos of yourself from when you were young and think, "Wow did I ever look good! Why did I think I was ugly?"

At any rate, I'm sure we've all thought about how awful it is that we spent so many years feeling BAD, feeling SAD, not enjoying life. I feel that way about now, to be frank, but all I can do is plod along and work hard to make things better.

I mean, I really, really felt that I was incredibly ugly for most of my life. I spent most of my life feeling ashamed to be out in public with my crooked nose, feeling as though no one would be attracted to me. I felt I was unfeminine and I was embarrassed to be around other girls. But here I am at the end of high school:

Cute, no? And that's even the bad side of my nose. What a loss to have wasted al of those years not feeling worthy or confident. GAHHHHH..

ANd now I'm old and my hair is thinning and I look a bit goofy, really, and FINALLY I feel like a beautiful woman with a right to be in the room. But oh....what I would give to have that skin again.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid. OH PS The blob between my boobs is damage to the photo. I was desperate to have that dress. It was Brook3 Shi3lds pattern. I really had to have it. I begged and begged until my mother allowed me to have a local seamstress make it.

Anyhow. Enough of that. Sigh. I want to become a true "fuck it" woman who does what matters to her and doesn't worry about what other people think. That's my project.

That's the project.

SO it's all good. I haven't done anything useful yet today, but I suspect I'll get to it.

Sorry...that was a trip down memory lane. I don't know why I did it. I guess sometimes all of the stupidity in my thinking through my life comes up and hits me like a giant wave.

XOOX

9:30 a.m. - 2010-06-05

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