enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The weekend begins with a bang!

Today turned out really well. And it wasn't even a good day!

I woke up this morning feeling extremely average. I was concerned that things would deteriorate from there.

In fact, things sort of did deteriorate from there at work. My boss was AWOL again, and in the afternoon I realized that it was our group's turn for the staff social (long story but I had prepared the social last week), my boss had forgotten, and therefore I would have to pull it together (and you KNOW how much I love socials...um, not at all). He also sort of talked down to me at one point about the project that in fact I AM taking over from the senior economist.

I think he's losing it, frankly. I hope this is temporary.

But do you know what?

I know, you're desperately wanting to know the answer.

Something in me switched and said, "Fuck it!"

Yes! Me, goody twoshoes, always working hard and trying her best said, "Fuck it!"

OK, so not out loud.

I don't know. I've let a whole bunch of things go. I feel extreme release. I don't need my job to define me. I can and will define me.

Totally unrelated, believe it or not, I can't help but giggle about what Andrea wrote to me yesterday. It's SO sweet! I try to keep these things private, but this I simply must share:

Sure I'm in difficulty in your language,but for me is not nice to write to you in Italian.You're important for me,I'm on the other side of the ocean so I can't give you a rose,a caress,I can't protect you,I only can "offer" this "hard writing" in English!

Veree cute.

Soo...do you know what helped me today, I think?

I went to the dentist this morning and I was chatting away with the hygienist. I was saying that I'm feeling a bit glum post-Italy. I don't know her well and so I was explaining that I'm forty, unmarried and with no children, and so I go to Italy to do what I've always wanted to do, which is to study art. She was very excited that I was doing something for myself. She has a friend my age who is basically waiting around for something to happen to her.

And then she told me about how she and her husband had not planned to have any children, and that both of their kids were accidents, and that they would never give them back (obviously), that life is kind of like that. You end up in a certain kind of life and if you're smart you make the most of it.

I don't know. I guess so often when you see other people you forget that you're on the outside imagining all sorts of things. The truth is usually something different, or at least something in the middle of the polar extremes you can imagine.

I walked to work in the sunshine, to face the annoyances there, with a smile on my face. I felt kind of peaceful.

So, I'm going to have some wine. (I'll be honest: I've already had some. BUt I was feeling great beforehand, anyhow. Things are OK.)

XOXO

8:46 p.m. - 2010-06-04

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