enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Quickie before prepping for the doctor. Wordlessness

Ahh...a little bit grumpy this morning. I just read Anna's entry though and she does a much better job of describing a self-indulgent little dip in mood, only to be followed by a fully capable self dragging said self into doing something.

Last night I sat around trying to be still, wordless. I think the answers come when you are wordless - I mean I really think this - and when I say "wordless" I mean both in body and mind. Oh and soul.

It's good just to listen. When I was running people used to always ask me why I was not running with music. My answer was always "I am listening to my heart." I meant that. I WAS listening to my heart.

When I was young and visiting my grandparents, say, or just at home on a Saturday after having finished my chores, I would always either go for a walk on my own in the country or I would find a spot and just sit and listen (to the birds, the grass, the trees creaking).

I don't know why I forget sometimes what was always very intuitive for me.

So last night I tried to listen.

This is because thinking always gets me into trouble, as you know, and also because I am trying not to react to Andrea. He wrote to me in the most beautiful way on Thursday and I wrote back and then he has not replied. I could think of a thousand reasons why he hasn't written back, including that he hates email and doesn't like writing in English and is almost certainly going to call me at some poitn, but how productive would that be? I know the answer is to LET IT GO. I know what was and that we had a great time and that he really likes me. There is no more. There ought to be no expectation.

See? I am growing up.

More importantly, vis a vis my job, I do know that I need to leave it at some point. I don't know if this means quitting my public service career altogether, but this really isn't working for me. I'm going to try to make the job more liveable by reframing it in terms of play (I get to do research! I get to play around with numbers!), but even these efforts, which I will make assiduously, are unlikely to make me passionate about my current work. They will help though. They will help.

But that's all OK because it's all a process of getting stronger and thereby getting freer. Getting freer gives you the guts to spread your wings and take off. This I know.

Last night I did try an interesting exercise though. I sat and wrote about the sensations that I was feeling in my body (at the end of a long period of wordlessness, honest!). Everything that is bothering me right now is signalling through my body, and the really great thing about noticing everything that is going on in your body is that after a certain point of writing about it (ten minutes, say), you start to write only about what is really going on inside of you.

But then I stopped, because I only want to listen, not masticate.

Aren't I perfectly new agey?

:)

So this morning I feel a little bit grumpy, but only because I have to leave home early to go to the doctor. I made an appointment for the doctor because I need to go to the Sports Med clinic next week and they want a referral. I made the Sports Med appointment because my running has been impaired in the last two years by a constant nagging (gentle, but can be annoying) in my right hip. This can lead to my left achilles tendon bothering me, and frankly I am pretty sure that it is all because the weird left foot that I have (large bunion on left right ball) is finally catching up with me. So sorry for TMI, but I think I ought to do something about it at this point.

OK. Well, I'll get through today. I'm going to be playing with research papers! Yippee!! I think I will finally have my evaluation, which my boss keeps on delaying because he is busy, in which I will have to gently say that I need to be "managed" a bit more. I feel out of the loop at the moment, simply because he doesn't have the time to manage.

Anyhow. Petty concerns. I ought to see if I have a photo to share before I eat brekkie and attempt to get ready for work.

Ah, sigh. Whenever I look at Florence photos I yearn to be there again. Never enough time.

One day - a sparkling day, really - I went to Santissim@ Annunziat@ to see Botic3lli's tomb (tiny and private) and I even read the article about the five hundredth anniversary of his death in Italian! Then I walked through the Oltr'arno and and sat in a park near the walls in the very outskirts. AFter that I walked back towards Santo Sp!rito and I spotted purple:

Just looking at that photo brings me back to the beautiful sunny day. After the walk I ate a delicious lunch as I watched art students drawing the church in the Piazza of S!nto Spir!to.

That evening, Andrea and I took a walk. That was the "pasta discovery" evening. When we were walking by the Duomo he had me look up at the ball on the top (golden) (and maybe someone can elighten me about why there would be a ball there in the first place):

And then he had me look down:

I guess at some point the ball blew off and that is where it landed. Andrea said, "It's stupid, but here is where it landed." (He was smiling.)

I also saw this:

More photos tonight I think. XOOXOX OH I totally forgot. I took this picture of cool puppeteers and audience (see marionettes to the right - very cool), but in the end it amounted only to an @ss shot. :)

Close up:

Old people going home from church (to the right):

7:40 a.m. - 2010-06-03

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