enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just let it go

Oh my God...yesterday was bad.

But it's over now.

I feel OK.

The one thing that is funny about me is that I can really fall apart - yesterday I hurt so much all I wanted to do was cry - but then, in cases like these, I reach a point at which I simply cannot cry anymore. I am too much of a doer. Now, I simply want to get on with things, figure things out, make a leap, tell the truth, whatever.

I can't sit still.

C. also did a kind thing last night. He made me go running. I mean, literally. To be honest, I had already poured myself a glass of wine and was enroute to getting myself quite tipsy. But he dragged me out for a run and he ran my ass off. I was moaning about how it was all over for me, how I was SO TIRED of having something nice - just a taste - shown to me and then having it pulled out from under me and me being expected to just go on and work hard and be alone again in a world full of annoying, shallow people. But C. forced me to talk about what I did in Brighton and in London, all the while whilst puffing away. We got into talking in detail about the cool things that I did with Anna in Brighton and about the art exhbitions, which led me to explain to him the whole series of drawings that I saw that related to specific fresco cycles in Florence that I love so much, and also about the series of Michelang3lo drawings that I saw at the Court@uld.

That led into a discussion of curatorial practise in England and NOrthern Europe generally versus Italy, and C had read an article about the Coloss3o falling apart.

So anyhow, I was tired by the end of the run but I was also sort of sane, which is a good thing.

I don't know. It's all fucked up. I'm OK. I just feel lonely, plain and simple. Being with Andrea, as I said, was wonderful, but again it was like, "See, look what you don't have and can't have."

I come back here and right now my job is terrible. My boss is replacing someone very senior whilst the latter is on leave, so he has too much to do. As a result, he has barely spoken to me since I returned from holiday last week. I'm therefore working on refining and polishing my large research project and my presentation. It feels mostly like pushing food around on my plate.

You have to understand that there is nothing that I HATE more than this. Most people would love being left alone with not much to do, but I am not like that. I need to feel productive. I need to be pushed. I need to feel as though I'm contributing.

At other times, of course, I am too busy and I am under too much pressure. Mostly, what I hate about my job is that so often I don't get any positive feedback and so I have no idea if I am appreciated or not. Many people there have very poor social skills and so if you are on their radar at the moment they will acknowledge you, but if you are not they won't. I guess what I realized yesterday in my frustration and pain about my life in general, is that without the buffer of an external life that feels fulfilled, my job wears away at the bone.

I don't know what the solution is. I'm going to keep my eye open for other jobs. From what I understand though now isn't a good time to move. Also, being in the type of job I'm in and in the type of place I'm in, it would be stupid to leave in this economic climate (deficit reduction). We probably have the "safest" jobs in terms of security.

But let's face it: I need to make a wholesale career change eventually. I need to be doing something to contribute more to people's lives, and I need to be doing something more artistic.

Another good thing that C. did yesterday is that he tried to get me to draw. He kept on calling me to ask me if I was drawing, before he took me out for a run. He knows; that's the answer. He wanted me to draw the damn pigeons who are menacing my balcony. There are two babies now and I just want them to fly away. Fly away, (ugly, greasy, yellow) little squabs!(I am starting to understand why the French eat them. I really have no growing affinity for pigeons, even though I generally adore nature.)

So I must keep calm and carry on. Really, it's true (thanks, England!). I've got the tools and it will all work out. There may be some big changes and upsets and some point, but they will likely be required. I can't go on like this.

And as for Andrea, I don't think there's a question of moving over there to marry him. He has a lot on his plate (he is living with and caring for his father, who has dementia, and his mother whom he must take to Bologna this week for osteoporosis treatment). I don't think he is in the market for a Canadian woman. He said that if I were European he would marry me. But he said that in passing. He also said that if he were younger he would move to Canada. But he is not. His life is more constrained than mine.

I'm not crazy enough to marry a guy I don't even know, anyhow, and I don't think that he is that crazy either. But wouldn't it be nice if I won the lottery and could move to Italy (:)), or somehow, magically, the sea would part and something or someone like him would turn up here.

But maybe I have bigger questions to ask myself, such as "Should I even be living in this city?" Maybe I should consider moving to a bigger city with a greater variety of people, e.g. Toronto. Ottawa is pretty small, provincial, and stuffed with pretty stereotypical bureacrats and their families.

OK, well maybe today is not the day for that.

I really don't know. But anyhow I forgive myself for being lonely, frustrated and human, and I say a big thanks for my friend C., and also that I at least had two weeks with someone wonderful in Florence. As C. noted to me, some people never get even that. I would like to have more, of course, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be for me.

I'm going to make some coffee. I'm going to have to put in a better effort at work today. And no crying in my office! :) Also, no feeling sorry for myself. My problems are very, very small. I just got back from Florence, after all. I don't like my job and I wish I had a lovely boyfriend. Wah wah. As Fifi said, "Call the Waaaaaahmbulance!" I am going to go forward in a positive way today, with only positive thoughts. XOXOX

7:27 a.m. - 2010-06-01

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