enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Total emotional collapse

Oh dudes...bad, bad, bad day.

It kind of surprises me. I thought I could handle the return, live happily with the pleasant memories and go forward.

But here I am and since I've been awake today (I went to bed early again) I've wanted nothing but to weep. I actually did cry when I met C. for coffee today. He said, "You're a professional. Pull yourself together. Don't cry in public."

I've never done that before. I feel despairing. And now I'm sitting in my office with the door closed (it's lunch time) and the tears won't stop rolling down my cheeks.

I know this feeling will pass. I just have to let it work its way through me. I know that if I just work hard and sign up for things I will get through at least the next few months and then I will be able to go on vacation again.

I know that I'm horrible and ungrateful and if I ruin this life that I have by falling apart things will be much, much worse for me, but today I know one thing and one thing clearly: I can't live on just being a competent professional.

To make matters worse, that Italian-Canadian guy I went on a date with in April emailed me this morning. I told him he could email in June, so it's my fault. He was a completely sweet guy but so...unintelligent.

The contrast with Andrea is so acute today. So I told him no. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

OK, I feel better. OK, not really. This is going to take some time. Tell me that I can work this out? I know I'm being stupid. I have a great life. I have everything tangible that is needed for a good life. I just have to have patience and belief that more friends and love and all the rest of it will come if I just try to live honourably and do my best, as I have done in the past, and that I'll be able to *live* here. Don't I? I feel bereft and invisible.

12:23 p.m. - 2010-05-31

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