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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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There is no stability to my ideas!

OH my God. Well you know that I'm insane, so you won't be bothered when I say that I had a day that almost turned everything I wrote this morning on its ear.

I'm quite tired and it's late, so I shouldn't write much, but I'll try to get this out.

First, I went to an international development lecture this evening that was excellent, and then C. and I were starving so we grabbed a pizza and ate it at his house. As a result, I am already breaking my get-to-bed-early resolution. NO! Seriously, it's after 11 and I'm still conscious.

Sigh. It was nice while it lasted, that early morning thing.

Second, I had a whole bunch of revolutionary thoughts today. It's a bit difficult to explain in one big gulp, but I did have the strong feeling of "it's the heart that matters and rationality be damned."

Why did I think this, you might ask?

Well, it was in part that I chatted with a friend who is really down on life because she has a few minor problems in her job. It was difficult for me to listen to that, given that she has a great job, great boyfriend, supportive family, etc. She has a problem at the moment, but as far as I'm concerned it is not a big problem. She was going on and on about how she would have to get a new job and she can't find a new job and ... I really just thought: "You are so fortunate and you don't really know it. And it's just a job. It really doesn't matter. It's everything else that matters: health, love, friendship.

So, I turn on a dime.

And then C. and I were having a long conversation (him mostly talking and me listening). A girl he had liked for a long time works in the development field and she was at the lecture tonight and ignored him. He doesn't seem to be able to get it into his head that she isn't interested in him, and now that he's broken up with the other one he seems to be vulnerable again. He and I talked at length about this (or rather he talked about it), and I couldn't help but think that it's all so much simpler that we make it out to be.

C. also was telling me about the friends that he saw in Germany last weekend. One of them married an Australian on the rebound from a long relationship that went sour, and now she is struggling to cope with life away from Europe. She has a daughter now and so that complicates matters further. She wants to move back to Germany but her husband doesn't speak German and he had a great deal of trouble finding work when he tried to live in Germany back when they were courting.

Anyhow. Enough complication for me.

But at the same time I was thinking about this friend of C's - I know her, a little - that her problem is that she expects too much. We all often expect too much. She wants to live in Europe because she misses the culture, etc., but at the same time she has by all accounts a wonderful husband who dotes on her and a beautiful child. She chose the latter two and so why aren't those enough? Why do humans always need more? We are never happy.

So it got me thinking. Maybe I should try to date Andrea. He really is a wonderful, wonderful person. Maybe I could be happy working in tourism. Maybe the job just doesn't matter that much.

I'm not really serious about the last few statements, but I guess what I'm getting at is that with all of these different examples today, I felt that the error in thinking was that we're supposed to get everything that we want. This got me to thinking about my own situation and that I should simply be satisfied with it. I have health, a good job and a nice place to live. Maybe I ought to just give up on the love thing and appreciate the great things I have here. I think I'm doing that.

I don't know. For some reason I feel extremely rational about all of these things. At the moment, really, all I can say is that I feel a huge surge of faith in the idea that everything will work out exactly as it should. I really believe that. I can't say why. I just know that things will work out and I will continue to enjoy life with ever-increasing vigour.

Right now though...I'm about to pass out from fatigue. The writing did it. I should post a few photos. Let me see...

Having trouble with photobucket. Might have to wait until tomorrow! :)

OK...here is one. For example, you might like to see Andrea. I know he is not "handsome," but to me he is lovely. I think that some of his lovely spirit shines through in this photo.

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And how about a video of me rambling on in a park: As one does..

/And put the two together (plus a little bit of volcanic ash, to produce a particularly lurid sunset...):

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I promise to "start back at the beginning" tomorrow! So much to show!

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11:09 p.m. - 2010-05-27

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