enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last day in Florence...this time.

I think I'm losing my ability to think and write in English. I've been rather distracted.

So things come to an end tonight with Andrea. He keeps on talking about me coming back in the fall or maybe for a longer period next spring, but he may have a girlfriend by then and frankly I might also have met someone. And really, one can't think and plan for something like this.

Last night we went for a walk and I thought we were going to have a drink. Instead, he took me to a restaurant out in the country. The food was absolutely amazing, but I must say that it was way too late and I was tired and I am not used to going to bed with veal and pasta and cake in my stomach. It was a bit insane. I didn't sleep much.

You see? I am not a European!

I am going to be sad when I say goodbye to him today. He is so lovely. I will feel rather jealous if I know that he has found someone, but of course I want him to be happy and have a family. He is a guy who really must have a family. He is wonderful.

I have to stop talking about this. Tonight we are meeting to go for dinner and then a drink at the F0ur S3asons, which I think I really ought to put an end to before it starts. I just can't eat late and drink late at night. I have a plane to catch tomorrow morning.

I had a wonderful day in Florence yesterday. I started at the Barg3llo, went through a museum I hadn't been to before, and subsequently walked around and had a lovely lunch, as well as drew in the Piazza Sant!ssima Annunziata. And then there was the wonderful if EXHAUSTING evening with Andrea.

I am getting on a plane tomorrow at 10 a.m. I know I'll miss Florence as soon as I have a good night's sleep at home, but today I wouldn't mind being in my own pad. Of course, going back to work on Wednesday is more than depressing. Coming back here to study for two to three months will be incredible.

I just had a conversation that moved me. A lovely Argentinian woman is staying in my room now. She asked me, "Excuse me, are you Italian? You are dressed impeccably." I felt so badly about this. She arrived yesterday and I have been dressing rather nicely (pretty skirts and shirts) because of meeting Andrea. She is dressed very simply.

I feel badly because when I realized how much it is costing her as a teacher in Argentina (making 300-400 Euro a month) to be here, I really wished I didn't have plans with Andrea tonight so that I could take her out for dinner and to a concert. She is 38, unmarried, a teacher, and loves to ballet dance. There was something so unpretentious and gentle and yet passionate about her that I was in thrall. She teaches Spanish literature. She clearly has no money, so this trip, as I noted above, is a huge expenditure for her. I really wanted to throw some 50 Euro notes at her.

The thing is that I am not rich, or at least I don't think I am, but suddenly I am confronted with the truth like that: I am rich.

In my room the other night there was an AMerican girl whose parents had given her $30,000 to do a trip like this. She came over to Europe for a semester or two and is now travelling around. She had beautiful clothes, all of the technical gadgets...She was a lovely girl, in that instance, but I have seen many other rich North American kids come through here (and I may add Asian kids, as well), with massive shopping bags. There was a girl in my room the other day who had just spent 1000 Euro on shoes and handbags and was checking her credit card balance on her laptop. She couldn't have been more than 22 years of age.

The little Argentinian woman had a worn pair of ballet slippers in her suitcase which she showed me. She carries them with her as they are clearly a sort of a totem for her. She also showed me a dress she found in a flea market in Rome for 2 Euro.

ANd of course, these are people who have jobs and can travel.

I don't know. That's a real wakeup call for me. That brings me back to who I am and who I want to be.

I actually haven't done any shopping in Italy, if you can believe it. None at all. I was going to buy a pair of shoes or two today and now I feel absolutely riddled with guilt. Funny, that.

Gulp.

What a life of privilege I lead. And what a wonderful 40th birthday gift to get to visit Anna, to see wonderful art, and to have the cherry on top of the sundae in spending so much time with such a wonderful man. Fortunate me.

And back to my big, comfy apartment in Ottawa.

On this trip I've periodically been thinking about changing jobs. I mean, I haven't been thinking much about this, because I've mostly been thinking about art (which is good!). That said, I feel I need to think about making a change.

I can't really write about it here, but I am starting to feel that I am strong enough to consider some important changes. I think that this summer will be a summer of significant growth. For sure, this summer will be a summer of significant attempts to draw! :)

Be well. I'm off to enjoy my last day in Florence. I'm mostly packed, although I will have to do a whole bunch of reorg later today and in the morning. Sigh. I feel a bit adrift.

PS Don't get the impression that I don't have feelings for Andrea. I do. I just don't want to think about it.

9:56 a.m. - 2010-05-24

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell