enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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blather yap yap

I'm so stupid!

I mean that kindly.

Clearly, I was caught up in ruminating in the last couple of days, because I hadn't slept well.

Today I feel rested and I made a good dinner last night. I woke up smiling and feeling fresh and cheerful.

I wrote my morning pages and I recognized that as long as I don't look around me (i.e. compare myself with others) or look too far into the future, I can stay on the best path. It's easy to get distracted, but ultimately life is to be lived in small increments, making the best of the information/wisdom/self-knowledge that you have at the time. It truly is "One day at a time," and I'm OK with that. Just draw, dammit!

I have a couple of little notebooks covered in wonderful Florentine paper (I have a plan to go to see the paper maker when I am there) that I was looking at at my desk this morning. They each start out with stupid notes about Marco. I could be embarrassed and never open those noteboooks again, or I could open a fresh page and keep going with my thoughts as they are now. Everything - and I mean everything - that I've written in the past embarrasses me when I look at it again. It's why I never read my diary entries over again, except maybe during the day or the day after the writing. I can't bear to go back otherwise and see either how stupid or how emotional I was at the time.

Well, that's all. This morning, at least :), I suspect that I'm doing all of the right things for me. I'm being completely honest about who I am. I'm stumbling along and making tons of mistakes. I'm also not rushing into anything that isn't me, but that I think I need to get. I'm also not just about to play musical chairs with dudes and alight on one when the music stops. Did you ever play that game? I find it is a good metaphor for what dudes seem to do in their thirties. I never thought I'd see C. do it, but I see it now. He's quite suddenly on a mission to settle down, largely because all of the people around him have settled down. Maybe males are disadvantaged because they are often more competitive than women are? I don't know. Perhaps I'm completely out to lunch? At any rate, that is his business and I will support him in his choices. (I've noticed, in any event, that males never accept advice in the way that women seem to. This might also be an evolutionary disadvantage, but that's not for me to say.) But maybe all of this is exactly as it is supposed to be, because otherwise no one would ever have and raise any children. And that would be a shame.

Gotta run. ECKS OH

8:17 a.m. - 2010-04-29

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