enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sad reality

I have a really terrible stomach ache. Not sure what it is. Oh well, shall pass.

I have to make this quick. I'm going to try to be on time for French today.

Last night was a really bad night - a night of reckoning, if you will. I was walking home from C's thinking that I've turned into my mother. I don't mean that to say that she is all bad, but she IS insecure and narcissistic.
I realized that I am small and petty like she is.

I was feeling pretty happy yesterday. I worked hard. Then C. asked if I wanted to grab a bite at my favourite pub. I didn't really want to eat out, but since I won't be around here for my birthday and I rarely go to that pub anymore, I thought, "Why not?"

The thing was that C. was initially grumpy and the conversation wasn't that great. He was bringing me down. But then we started talking about the woman he is dating, and the conversation got unpleasant. I know I need to just let it go, but I didn't. In writing it all out today I realize that the problem isn't that I don't like her very much and don't see myself hanging out with them if they are together, but more that C. seems to be in a mood to settle down - with someone - and she's the one in the right place at the right time. I can see that he is already thinking forward to possibly adopting a kid (she's an older women, in her mid-forties), buying a house. He's not PLANNING these things, per se, don't get the wrong idea, but I can tell that he's been doing the math.

And do you know what bothers me so much? It's the idea that I'm the one always left behind. I don't seem to know the masterful trick that everyone else seems to have found to pick something good enough. I don't want to settle for something I don't want, but I also don't want to end up alone. Unfortunately, it seems as though the latter thing is an eventuality.

C. pointed out something to me which I hadn't yet accepted: the differences in our personalities and needs. C., in spite of his life moves, is much less adventuresome than I am. He likes living in Ottawa. He likes spending his spare time joining recreational sports teams and skiing in the woods. He doesn't mind having a few intellectual friends and then a girlfriend who is pleasant-looking and pleasant to be around, if not exactly on the same wavelength.

I guess I'm going to have to work hard to accept that that's what he wants. Because who am I to judge what someone else wants from life, just because I haven't yet found my thing.

OOps. Gotta go. So that's it. I walked home last night feeling ashamed both that I can't make life here work for me very well, and also that I feel the inclination to judge my friend for his choice. Yes, granted, the woman he is dating has been rude to me. He wants me to accept that maybe she feels insecure around me, and to forgive, and also that her style is different from mine. A big person could do that. I need to learn to humble myself and be that bigger person.

OK. REally gotta run. Be well. XO

8:03 a.m. - 2010-04-28

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