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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Drifted today. Feeling guilty.

Hi all,

I hope you are well.

I am a little bit under the weather, emotionally, but it's nothing serious.

I've been kind of up and down in the last week or two, but when I look objectively at what I've accomplished I think I'm underrating my progress.

For example, I've managed to make the most of my weekends. I'm no longer stuck in that "dithering around, wondering what to do" mode.

This weekend was a very productive one. I truly enjoyed myself. I took note at least three or four times of feeling extremely blissful and "in the moment." On Friday night, it was when I was watching the sun set from my sofa. On Saturday it was whilst sitting on my balcony, watching the world go by. On Sunday, in late afternoon, I sat down and drew, really drew, for a couple of hours. I was in a reverie.

This weekend I also ran a ten mile run through the arboretum, trained twice on my bicycle, cooked a whole bunch of lovely, fresh food, washed my sheets and hung them to dry, cleaned my room and bathroom, and worked on my pink sweater. I turned down invitations that didn't interest me, and I felt...good.

I also have been reading and thinking about my Florence essays or "book" or whatever it is that I am going to do with the material I've collected in my head. It feels like a real project now, i.e. one that I will complete, just as the moving to Italy and working on artistic things all feel real to me now. I think I'm sifting through the important things. Maybe the emotional instability is related to this.

All of my anxiety lately seems to centre around work. I want to boil it down to something more important than that I get scared when I can't discipline myself to work at the highest intensity on my dial - fear that I'm self-sabotaging, or that my world will cave in - but that's all it is.

I keep on searching for something else, but it seems that the only question on the tip of my tongue is, "Should I be doing more with my life?"

I could rephrase the question as "Would my life be worth more if I were doing something else?"

Lately, it seems as if everyone is getting married or having a baby. And I wonder, "Am I completely wrong to not be doing these things?"

I mean - and I mean this - I have not met one single man I would want to marry (possibly ever). I don't know why I would be thinking about this. I feel as though I'm stuck in a mode of assumption about other people's happiness. But I'm smarter than that. I know that most people aren't any happier than I am. It's rather silly. Case in point, I remember a woman at work a couple of years ago telling me that I really needed to get married. (And then in the next breath she told me about how she and her husband were in therapy because they hadn't had sex in more than two years. If that's marriage...hmmm.)


I don't know. It's not about marriage. It's not about babies. It's not about any specific thing. It's about this very vague, fuzzy sentiment that I find clouding me at the moment. It's not urgent and it's not angry or even weepy. But it's hanging over me and I continue to wonder if I'm living well. Am I wasting my life? Am I living well?


Anyhow. I feel better for having written that. I'm feeling OK now. I didn't work hard enough at work today (see above), but tomorrow is another day. I think I'd best relax and permit myself (I never permit myself) to feel excited about my trip!!! I get to hang out with Anna, which is a real honour.

Off I go. :) Pee Ess I thought of something funny today. I had another message from my postal carrier that she hadn't been able to fit a package into my mail box. I was thinking every time she did that that she is such a nice postal carrier, telling me that I have a package that I'll have to pick up at the post office. Now that's service! I suddenly realized though that she is probably simply pissed at me for ordering so many things online (books, etc.) that she has to carry in her bag (I have a tiny mail box). Oops! I know it's terrible. I should start shopping again for real. But I loathe going to the mall.

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7:43 p.m. - 2010-04-26

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