enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Seriously just a ramble through the vacant lot of my mind.

Hello!

Thank you for your wonderful, kind comments. Hungryghost: I really appreciate the vote of confidence! Wonderful! Fifi: You are a trouper for reading so much of my moaning and crap. What a wonderful Fifi you are.

Today was a good day. I read yesterday that going outside for even ten minutes improves your mood. The gay man in my division asked me to go out watch shopping with him at lunch, so I did that. And then I tried to leave at a reasonable time. Before 7! I know - not great. But I got to work at 9:30 today (slow start).

So! I'm really feeling quite serious about this "two (three?) months in Italy" thing next year. Only do you know what? It just occurred to me that "leave without pay" means "leave without pay." Doh! I can take the time but I will lose a month's salary. Hmm...that makes it less appealing. :)

Why why why why don't we have decent vacations here in North America? Whyyyyyyy!!

OK, nevermind. I kind of like working, to be honest. The routine keeps me sane.

I wore the sweater I finished knitting last night to work today. Pretty cool, no? Don't worry - I did not wear it with my jogging tights, as in the photo. Sorry for the peek of gut!

Actually, when I think of it, if I do two months next year, and I save my left over vacation this year and do not go on a trip this fall (fat chance of that, huh?), then I could in theory have five weeks of vacation in my account next year. Add to that one additional week of "one-time vacation entitlement," and I would only have to take two weeks of unpaid leave. Hmm. That could work!

I know I need to get out of the mindset of thinking about the money. That is how people get trapped in lives that are so-so and not marvelous. This, I know. The ever-expanding wants that feel like needs. I could live with less. I mean, right now, not so much. I'm still paying off the stupid government student loans that I took out to attend law school and library school (back when I was incredibly delusional :)). Soon, those will be paid off, and then my goodness will I ever feel rich. That huge chunk of monthly money sucking out of my account will feel like a fortune. But that said, if I paid off the loans and then my salary were drastically reduced by chance, would I feel any worse off? Maybe initially, but then I would adapt. I would adapt. We need far less than we think we do. I need far less than I think I do. I like cooking at home. I like keeping old furniture and stuff. Not a problem! Of course I also like Italia. Dear Italia. How much sooner my student loans would have been paid off if not for you!

When I was walking with my colleague today we were talking about shopping. He said he'd never argue to anyone to stop shopping. But to me, that signals an emotional void. I've been trying to minimize my shopping this year, and believe you me that has been difficult. I know that I don't need clothes to feel good about myself, but sometimes it is difficult to pursuade myself of this. To be honest, I have spent many an hour looking at things online and almost buying...and then really, really fighting the impulse to buy and then not doing it. I have bought very little this year, other than my red coat. I feel proud of that. It's a big achievement for me to detach from the idea that I need to wear nice clothes in order to be attractive. Of course I'm full of shit though, because I received that gift certificate prize from work and spent that. I bought one pair of shoes and a scarf/shawl. It wasn't my money, but it was fulfilling the same needs. Oops. By the way, I made the sweater with recycled yarn! I used to do that a lot - tear out old sweaters and knit new ones - but I haven't done that in a while. Fun!

I am so full of shit!

Ah well...the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I was just saying to a colleague today that I love spring. I've always known that spring is my favourite season, but really it has been confirmed this year. This is not only because I was born in the spring and this spring is the year of my becoming elderly ;), but because it is a season of hope. Everything is growing and you know it is only going to get better. I love this part of the cycle. Plus green is very soothing to me.

Sorry - I'm really rambling. I need to make some pizza. I had in mind that I would make a homemade pizza tonight, but if I don't get started on the dough so it can rise...it will be midnight before I get to eat!

Oh! I received a random pay stub today. Don't you just love found money? Apparently they had underpaid me at my pre-promotion level for a few months and so I am receiving some back pay. It's a very small sum of money, but, heck, I don't think of found money as a kick in the teeth.

Well, be well, lovelies.

7:35 p.m. - 2010-04-12

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fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell