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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Phew! Also, more breakthroughs.

Well, I think that finally I am over that headache or whatever it was. It seemed to break in early evening today. All day though I was suffering. I didn't even go for a run.

That said, once I was feeling better this evening I got a bee in my bonnet to clean. This was a positive bee in my bonnet - a sort of cleaning of the eaves as it were.

I am going to go through one box per week at least, until the place is empty of anything that I do not need to keep. I had a major revelation tonight. When I was going through some things to give to charity tonight, I realized that I've been hanging on to mistakes I've made. I mean this, literally. It's as though I've felt the need to punish myself, by keeping things as reminders. There is stuff that I've kept that I've bought that didn't work out, or that didn't fit, etc., and I've kept the stuff for years and years. Why? I don't know. I feel guilty getting rid of it when I haven't put it to use, I think. I've kept some boots with broken heels, that really are not fixable, and a pair with a broken zipper.

I've even kept a pair of silk pyjamas that my boyfriend in university gave me. I hate wearing pyjamas. I get hot when I sleep. And they're ugly and paisley. I should have given them away years ago, but I kept them because I know he gave them to me out of a good place in his heart and I sort of feel ungrateful to give things like that away. Likewise, some shoes my mom gave to me. And the list goes on. Tonight, however, this stuff started to get packed up. I have a box for charity this week. Every week...more. And I finally threw out a whole bunch of lipsticks and things. I never wear lipstick. Why do I keep this stuff? I had already gotten rid of a bunch of stuff over the last year, but there still remain about fifteen boxes or so of...crap. Clean it out, EB! Start fresh!

I had a thought today WAAAAY before the cleaning episode of this evening: this is it. This is the year. This is my year. I don't even know what this means, but I feel it.

Now, off to zz land. It's lovely to have a fresh, empty hallway with only a couple of pairs of shoes ready to be worn by the door.

XOX

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12:20 a.m. - 2010-04-03

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