enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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breakthrough

I'm finding lately that I'm patently aware of triggers for rumination - e.g. fears about my job - and therefore I'm able to stand and look at them objectively. I stop them in their tracks.

This morning I wrote in my morning pages about that "senior" economist I used to write about. He's a royal pain in the ass, and he's putting up some road blocks for me at this time. I sort of understand the road blocks, as lately I have shown no patience for his old tricks in which he has tried to show off to me, or tried to undermine or take credit for my work. I've been pretty direct. And although I am completely justified in not wanting to have to baby an insecure grown man, I also realize that my earlier strategy of catching flies with honey rather than vinegar was working much better. I need to swallow my true opinion and cater to the guy a little bit, if only to keep harmony.

I have a problem that is going to be upcoming with him, in that I have a project in mine that will completely blow away a project that he has been working on for a long time. He's a very good programmer, but he's not a good thinker about what actually matters. He likes to create models for the fun of coding them, not because of what they might yield. I'm the opposite. I started thinking about the foundations of something, and I realized that with a small project I could probably show that the entire project he wants to work on for the next two years might not be worth the effort. I didn't come at this in order to undermine him, but rather because my boss asked me to think about a specific issue. When I thought of how to handle a specific issue, I realized that there were some fundamental problems with how we look at a host of issues in a specific segment of the economy. I really didn't go into it wanting to embarrass or blow away the other guy.

Oh well. Will tread carefully. Will not feel guilty or like a bad person, which is what I've been working out in my morning pages this morning. I worry a great deal that I'm a bad person. But we know where that comes from. At worse, I'm occasionally an impatient person with someone who is a real jerk to me and very manipulative. But, still, I want to be above all of that.

OK. Gotta run to Frenchies. XO

8:31 a.m. - 2010-03-24

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