enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Quoi???

I have Italian tonight, so this will be a quickie. :)

So something strange happened today. I went to work all gung-ho and focused (and indeed I was). My boss was back from vacation.

After about an hour he came into my office and said that he needed to talk to me. He needed to ask me where I like to shop.

WHAH???

Apparently I won some kind of award, only they don't give out money but rather gift certificates. So I sort of mumbled OK to the fact that I will get a gift certificate for the shopping centre, and then he trundled off.

I mean, it's quite a lot of money.

It's rather strange that I was just about to buy some walking shoes for my trip online this morning, and that yesterday I was thinking about how much I want to buy a sewing machine and an easel, and a shoe rack and maybe a new comforter cover. I even cleared a space this weekend that would be good with the sewing machine.

So it's a funny coincidence.

But that's not what I want to talk about. I have to be honest that I'm sketchy on the subject of God. I'm also sketchy, or shall we say DUBIOUS about this part of the Artist's Way.

I mean, I can't help it. I believe in God. It's not something I intellectually want to believe, but I'm just a spiritual marshmallow. I love the idea of a sort of moral power that keeps me in check. I mean, I was so well-indoctrinated with GUILT by the Anglican church, no?

But here's the thing: I hate the idea that all of the self-help people are throwing around these days about God bringing STUFF to us. I mean, Ms. Cameron argues that there's no reason why we should think that God is above money.

But I just can't go there. Whenever someone says something like "God brought me that sofa I want," I can't help but guffaw. I simply can't live comfortably in a world in which someone thinks that God is bringing a sofa to him or her whilst 1.4 billion people on this planet have barely enough or not at all enough to eat (not to mention a lack of clean drinking water).

I simply can't go there.

And I mean, some idiot who has a high enough income to support an entire family, let alone herself, who lives in a nice place in one of the safest, fairest, cleanest countries in the world...gets a big cash award so that she can buy herself a sewing machine in order to expand her creativity?

UH, no.

I'm sorry, God, if I'm all wrong and everything, but I can't abdicate responsibility for my own life in that way.

That said, I feel really queasy about receiving this award. I was just doing my job. My job is important to me.

On a different, though related topic, I read a lot yesterday. I've been thinking a lot about the idea of doing things that you love, dropping everything to pursue a dream. This seems like a profoundly North American concept.

I'm all for pursuing my dreams, which I intend to do, but I can't quite make the leap to quitting my job and dropping everything to go and study restoration in Florence, for example. Yes, the income would probably come in one way or another. But what if I got sick? What if I didn't make the money? Here's the rub. Someone else would have to pay for me. Be it the taxpayers when I returned my sorry ass to Canada to go on welfare, or be it my parents who are currently enjoying their retirement, or be it someone else (e.g. C.) who would pick up the slack, someone ELSE would be paying for my little artistic foray.

And what right do I to do all of that? What right do I have to abdicate responsibility for helping people who ARE less capable of working than I am, or whatever, by paying my taxes and working to make the country function?

I'm all for the right to the pursuit of one's joy and one's interests, but I have to take responsibility for getting there. I don't know. It's how I feel. Strongly. Anyone else?

I was thinking about this because my friend from high school is a struggling writer in Spain. He writes that he's happy, but he also writes that he's insanely worried about money all of the time. And in thinking about htis, I know that he could only take the risk to do this for two reasons: he comes from a reasonably well-off family who would catch him if he became destitute; and he hails from Canada. Having a Canadian passport means that no matter what he can come back here and go on welfare and have health care funded by the tax payer. We have pretty much the lowest poverty rate among senior citizens in the entire world, as well, because we have such generous income support for poor seniors. So, in a way, he's not really shouldering the risk. The society he comes from is shouldering the risk.

So this brings me to my big question for myself? Do I have the unlimited right to the pursuit of my own interests/passions? Am I really entitled to God bringing me a sewing machine if that is what my heart (this weekend, at least) wants? I dunno. I have a problem with that. It seems like a real product of the North American I-am-entitled-to-consume ethos. I do not want to get this confused with God. I don't think I could.

Anyhow...I must go to my Italian class.

Don't get me wrong in all of the above. I am not criticizing anyone else. Everyone else has his or her own needs and beliefs and certainties. This is only about me. I am expressing my own, honest reactions. I might not be the helpable type. I think in part this comes from my running life. I remember how horrible it was to worry about money all of the time. Yet, I never really felt that the taxpayer should be supporting me to run, so I didn't mind that I wasn't getting money. It's a tricky one. Also, I knew when the time was up and I needed to make a change. I don't ever want to worry about money like that again. Passion or no passion, not having enough money to feel secure is AWFUL>

:)

XOXO

6:27 p.m. - 2010-03-22

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