enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Light tomorrow with today!

I've always loved that line. I can never remember who said it. It was either Jane Aust3n or G3orge Eli0t or one of the other female literary giants. Oh nevermind...it was Elizab3th Barr3tt Browning, of course.

One of the things I've always liked best about myself is that I take action. I get up and change things, even when it feels difficult to do so. Of course, probably my worst fault has been that I have always taken responsibility for everything, for all of my problems, and as a result I am way too hard on myself. But that said, I'm working on changing that. It takes constant self-reminders. :)

At the moment, it's not that things feel difficult, but it's that I don't know exactly where to turn. I have the truly impractical desire to move to Florence. The space between living in Florence and living and working in mid-career as I am here is a cavernous one, and I don't know how to traverse the distance (and really, that is not true - I refer back to my financial plan and realize that I can at least take a several month leave in two to three years and study there for a while). When I don't know how to traverse a distance, I start to get overwhelmed. It's like having a messy place or having an unwritten list of a million thank-yous overdue, or whatever...

It's difficult to get started.

When I felt this way at work a couple of years ago, I started small. I did one thing at a time each day and I eventually climbed to the top of the mountain.

I now face that challenge in my personal life.

Perhaps I don't yet see the change as it happens, but it feels so slow!!! I feel as though I'm sitting on a place holder in life's Power Po!nt presentation, until my trip in May, at which time, as usual, I will come alive with all that I am and all that I can be.

Ah well. So that said, I'm slowing things down. I was surprised to find when I woke up this morning that the rearranging that I did of my place yesterday was truly terrific. It now looks as though I have a proper kitchen, and the first of my living rooms is open and spacious and very fresh. I don't know when I'll start painting, but for now I can do without. I picked up the photos at the photographer's the other day and so now I need frames. I have the idea that I will make the frames out of old wood. So best get out and find some old wood!

It's a slow process, but it's all doable. I believe that on a fundamental level!

There are birds in the eaves of my balcony, did I tell you? It makes me laugh, because there are wooden slats above the balcony with a few small chunks missing - the perfect location for birds and their nests. It's such an old place. I love to hear their little feet scurrying about. I believe I can hear the chirping of tiny voices. I stood at the screen door this morning just listening. I love the way that nature falls quiet when it senses one's presence. I used to lie in the boat on the lake with my fishing line in the water, waiting to hear only the sound of the wind blowing through the reeds.

It's grey and dull today - some snow flurries are even due, unforch, but I shall find something to look at and appreciate. Light tomorrow with today.

XOX I know I'm going all quotable quote on you, but how about this one: "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." --Ralph W@ldo Emerson

PS I forgot to mention something very, very interesting that happened to me the other day. I had sent C. a small article that happened to be on the blog of the woman who wrote the book "The Happ!ness Project." I haven't read the book, and I don't agree with her perspective for the most part, having browsed her blog, but what arose from this is interesting. I had thought that the article pertained to one of C's big life concerns. He wrote back to say that he'd enjoyed the article and especially the comments to the article, which I hadn't read. I went to the comments to the article and found the name of a guy I went to high school with, a link to HIS blog, and discovered that he is now a struggling writer and living in Spain! Of all of the guys I knew in high school, this was one I really, really liked and admired. I could tell that he was struggling with identity (I'm pretty sure that he is gay, and he was teased mercilessly for wearing makeup in the 12th grade. He was a serious loner.). So anyhow...I'm going to write to him. I thought that that discovery was serendipitous, and I'd like to tell him that I always saw something very special in him and that I wish him the best of luck in pursuing his dream. Very cool!

10:07 a.m. - 2010-03-21

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