enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Longing, sweet longing.

ACK. I always get a little pang when I get an email from Marco, as I did this morning.

It was just a casual, friendly thanks for the birthday email that I sent to him last week.

I need to forget about him. The longer I go without a decent, encouraging date, the harder it is to forget.

Also, I have to admit that yesterday afternoon I read the blog of the woman who lives in Florence, which I rarely do. She's an American who married an Italian. I have to admit that when I read that blog I get pangs. I don't mean that I want to marry an Italian. I do mean that I want to live in Firenze. I do mean that I wish I had an EU passport...

I wrote about this this morning in my morning pages, as I woke up thinking about it. The one thing that I know is that having my secure, stable job has been very, very good for me. I used to diminish the importance of a good job and income, but without these things I wouldn't have been able to progress in the way that I have in the last couple of years. Earning your own money, having a stable flow of income that you can rely on and plan with is a huge thing in building confidence in oneself. It's a huge thing in giving one freedom to grow.

In other words, I know that I could not give that up right now in order to pursue a different life in Florence. At this point, I think it would be unlikely that I could find a decent job there. I would certainly be able to become an English teacher or something like that. I might even be able to get a job at the economics institute. But more than that? No.

No, I believe I shall have to be satisfied with living here and spending a month out of the year in Florence. Within ten years I shall certainly be able to buy an apartment in Florence; I could do it in five if I took on a mortgage to do it. Things will only start to take off for me, if only I can have the patience.

And Marco, too, is a distraction. I know it could never work between us, but there's that small, sentimental part of me that thinks back to biking in the Val d'Orc!@ with him when we were first getting to know each other (take a look at this...swoon, sigh: V@l D'Orci@).

On the other hand, I know that I was particularly vulnerable at that time, i.e. not as confident and not as far along in my journey, so I was susceptible. I'm being carried back by memories that reflect a different time and a different self. It's all in the past. I cannot go back. And really, I doubt at this point that I still have feelings for him. I have feelings for a memory that meant a great deal to me at that moment in time.

I'd love to dawdle and write more, but of course I need to shower and get to work to continue collecting that regular and liberating pay cheque. Be well. Bonne journee!!

XOXO

8:30 a.m. - 2010-03-08

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