enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Show your stripes

Bonjour!

Am having a weird couple of days, but I feel fairly loose and free from such things as rumination, so I suppose I'm doing alright (for a change).

Yesterday was a bit shocking, as I had just completed my morning pages and read one article in La Presse under my SAD lamp when the phone rang and I could see it was my boss. Never a good thing on a Saturday. You have no idea what large thing I am responsible for - wish I could say - and I was thinking, "Oh fuck, what did I do wrong?"

Never a good way to start out BEFORE you pick up the phone, but hey, that is me.

So I picked it up and it was about something else, but I needed to go into work to help out, and hey, I'm OK with that. So I put my clothes on and walked to work, and the work got done quickly and I was off again.

Yesterday afternoon I wasted a little bit, putzing around with my dating profile (really have to leave it alone, is making me feel like a neurotic, but really I find it an interesting social experiment to see how different men respond). I feel like a bit of a puppeteer pulling strings, which is SO. NOT. NICE. I realize. The fragility of men is quite amazing. I alternate between loathing and pity. And really, I JUST. NEED. TO. FORGET. ABOUT. DATING.

Spring is around the corner, people. That is what matters. I see spring in everything, although I just took a picture from my balcony (the door is open) and I won't post it because it looks exactly like every other winter I've posted from here. :) Sad, but true.

I had another breakthrough this morning. I'm sitting here in a petit bateau top and a miniskirt. I know. The miniskirt is just for the apartment. But the thing is that I woke up with exactly this thought on my mind: "Why can't everything be messy? Why can't we embrace chaos? Why does everything have to fit into a neat little envelope of 'This makes sense'"?

And I think I mean that. I hope it's my creativity unleashing itself. I find I always dress myself in understated, classy things. I hide behind my clothes. I hide myself from others. And why would I hide myself? I don't want to hide myself. The clothing thing is a metaphor for how I hide myself in this culture, I realize. It's a metaphor for all of the times that I don't say what I want to say and all of the times I don't feel free to make the joke I want to make.

But that's OK. That's what it is. I live here. This is my life. It doesn't fit me, but I'm making chicken salad out of chicken shit. And today I actually feel free to be creative, so I'm going to sit down and sketch out a few pages of my Florence bookola, maybe buy some fabric to make that dress I had in mind a while back (funny - I was thinking about this BEFORE I read Anna's entry, and I even wrote in my morning pages: "I need to think about this. I can't just buy the fabric on a whim as I always do and never make anything with it. I need to actually be sure that I will follow through and make what I want to make." Hmmm)

I've been speaking out loud to myself in French for the last two days, which I'm not sure is a good thing. I think the meetings on Friday (all in French) and thinking about Paris have switched my brain over to another track. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it's good to operate in your newer, weaker language for a change. Perhaps I'll find a way to be freer in that one? I don't know.

I think I'll try to take some pics today, if I find anything to photograph. Things are pretty grey here. But I have in mind to go to a cafe and have a bowl of soup or something, and read more of my Florence 1900 book.

So, be well. Happy Sunday! XO

10:12 a.m. - 2010-02-28

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