enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Momentary miracles

Oh my...shaky shakemeister day.

Well, not really.

The morning pages work, and the Artist's W@y in general is exerting a balancing, soothing effect on me. I've been getting to work early, sleeping adequately, getting up early, doing my morning pages, eating breakfast, relaxing, etc., etc.

I went to French today feeling quite fresh and enthusiastic, and indeed I did a very good job in French class. I feel so guilty for not studying in between classes though. I haven't been doing much supplementary work lately. I'm ashamed.

That will change this week!

But then what happened was that when I got home I heard a piece on the radio about the orkplace orkforce being cut, and I went back momentarily to my old fear (I mean, my worst, deepest fear in life, ever) of losing my job. C. assured me at the gym that I'm too senior and that I just got a promotion, but it was difficult not to stress. That's what anxiety is all about: you're always waiting for the next threat. It's excruciatingly difficult to alter.

OTherwise, I got the email from the BI saying that there are no longer places in the April course, so that bummed me out. Furthermore, they are no longer permitting one to take only half of the studio drawing class, so I wouldn't be able to do that, either. Bummer!

And then, and this is only my own interpretation, I got an email from Marco saying that he has a big tour in April. I actually remembered subsequently exactly the tour he meant - he had told me about it back in October - but initially I thought to myself that he was saying that he didn't want to see me (what man says such a thing indirectly), and it made me sad. Do you see what a basket case I am??

Generally, however, I do not feel like a basket case. I'm doing good work, generally keeping it together, and I'm no longer stressed about the dating. I left the profile up for a bit longer, after all, although I have very, very low expectations. Almost zero, in fact.

I think the morning pages are going to help me to work through this. I mean, this life that I'm living here simply doesn't feel as though it's enough for me. I'm trying to appreciate all of its good points, but I'm not fulfilled. I'm a big soul, if you know what I mean. And what I feel is fatigued and anxious most of the time. It's because people around me don't accept my energy. I'm constantly boxing myself up. I'm withering like a plant without air or sun. I have to work so hard to self-generate that sun and air.

All that said, I went to the gym at 6:30 and did a hard two-hour workout. I now feel mostly weary, but in a good way! :)

So I need to sit down and think about what trip I really want to do. Do I want to leave the Italian until next year, or do I want to go for three weeks in May. There will be a lot of people in Florence at that time. It also means that I would be alone (i.e. without friends and family) for my birthday. Not sure. I will think it through. Perhaps I'll still go to London, Paris and then Florence in April, and continue only with my self-study in Italian. It's the best I can do, perhaps.

OH well...bon. It's all out.

EEK! I forgot what I was going to write about. I was going to say that as I was walking home I was feeling poorly, and then I saw a fire engine flashing in the distance before me and I hoped and wished that it wasn't heading to my apartment. And it wasn't. I could see my old, old building rising up against the grey night sky and it was safe. I mean, a small blessing like that wipes out the fear that came before it. I was thinking as I looked at it that it brings to mind Mr. Roch3ster and the manor house in Jane Eyr3. I don't know if that's because of the fire image or because of it being the largest building in the neighbourhood, or if, rather, the image is due to the story that my superintendent told me up on the roof in November, about the building being the only thing around in the 1890s, in the midst of a hunting ground for wealthy men.

I suspect we all have images from films we have seen that have stayed with us. For my mom it's a scene from D3liverance. For me it's a scene from Carri3 (when the hand rose up from the ground - I saw that accidentally when I was about 13 and I don't think I slept for three days).

I remember my first book shock of a similar kind. I was 12 years old and reading Jane Eyr3. I got to the part of the story in which her friend died overnight in the crib/bed with her. I remember the profound sense of disturbance I felt. That moment of shock is as fresh in my visceral memory as if it had been made yesterday.

Well, anyhow. I should eat, and other such prosaic things. XOXOXO

8:45 p.m. - 2010-02-17

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell