enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not subtitled "Are you insane?"

Well, I just took my online dating profile down. I know I shouldn't give up so easily, but seriously the men on there are not good. I deserve so much better. I mean a full class or two above. At least.

I mean, I was walking home today and realizing that I'm a nice person. I'm respectful and I try to be kind. I'm completely honest, and have been so in my online profile (right down to the last detail). And, furthermore, I have a great education, an excellent job, and I take good care of my health. I'm a good, solid specimen. I do not need to scrape the bottom of the barrel. (That is not to say that people who do not have a job or an education for good reasons are worth less.)

So it is back to plan one. I'm just going to do stuff and eventually I will meet someone, I am sure. And if I'm 44 when that happens...so be it.

I'm not saying this with any anger or whatever. I'm not even tired anymore. I'm just releasing it. I'm OK.

I had a good day today, because again I found some perspective. I felt pride in myself, because I always work hard and honourably, and I always give what is due. More importantly, I do this whilst treating people kindly and respectfully.

I can't point any fingers here, but suffice it to say that certain people that i have to deal with regularly are not like this.

In the end, I realized, I give myself a hard time, but there is nothing major wrong with me. In fact, I'm much more worthy than many people around me. I have integrity and I care about other people. I can be proud of that and fuck having this or that. My mother always said that the cream rises to the top, and I have to believe that. In life, I mean, not just in work. Eventually, if I continue on this path and try to be a good person, I will continue to collect other good people around me. And good people have your back and make your life richer. This is true.

Anna was correct a while back, as well, in that I *did* not come out empty-handed with Marco. So many times yesterday evening, especially after I got that message from that idiot dude (who, incidentally, I saw in person today), I wanted to write to Marco and cry on his shoulder. I did not. I get it and I can let go. But I know that he cares about me and wants me to be happy and loved. That is enough. I have friends who care.

So that was maudlin and dreamy. It's what I'm feeling though.

This afternoon I was staring at a picture taken in 1960 of an old stone gate in the Bob0li gardens. It's very dreamy and i put it right up in front of my monitor. It reminds me of those TS Eliot lines from Four Quart3ts:
"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, unremembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;"

My boss told me that I can take three weeks, in either of April or May. It would be a bit expensive to do that, but I think I must. I will get on the flights and see if I can work out something that will take me to both Florence and England.

XOXOX

7:27 p.m. - 2010-02-15

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