enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Coming along. Eckh@rt Toll3 would be proud.

You know, I read my last entry over again - ha ha, Fifi, I agree about the Brazilian, and I certainly feel that way about a landing strip (what's wrong with hair???) - and I realized that I only "have the body of a 20 year-old" because I haven't had any children. And having children is a natural and important part of being a woman. It's just as well, however, as I would be an inadequate mother. I really, truly respect and appreciate how difficult a job it is. I would die of exhaustion.

So...all is well. I'm a little bit tired today, on account of the weird sleep that I had last night. I also stayed late at work. But I'm home now and can collapse on the couch.

Do you know, I am sooooooo happy that I DON'T have to go anywhere or talk to anyone? Here I was worrying for ages about never going out and talking to anyone (or rarely, anyhow), only to realize when very busy that I don't like it very much.

Although, of course, were I to meet someone I really liked it would not be so much effort. It might even be fun. That much I'll give you. On the other hand, I had the thought today that if I could never speak again I would not mind. I hate talking (at the moment, anyhow). I like to write. Talking not so much. Talking exhausts me. I suspect that this is a phase and merely because I can't control conversation as much as I can text. People have a sneaky way of tricking more out of me than I want to give. And then I'm tired. It's that politeness thing. Today, mercifully, I managed to dodge the senior economist, bane of my existence. My step-father doesn't talk much. I think it's cool that he's able to basically ignore my mother as she rattles on most of the time, and still they are very happy together.

I have a feeling that I'm someone who is not good with many balls in the air. I'm good at really, really focusing. I used to scare my mother by working on projects for hours and hours and not getting up - not to eat, not to pee. My boss had the same look as he left this evening, when I was still huddled over my computer at nearly 7 p.m. Do you know what the truth is, though? I am never so happy as when I am concentrating on something. I love to work. I mean, maybe "work" is the wrong word. I could be just as happy focusing on art or writing or something else for hours and hours.

PS Anna, you've excited me about my new Paul Gilb3rt book. I hope it arrives soon! Already, I am enjoying the Artist's W@y. I started it last night.

Tonight I must budget to see how much and what I can afford for my Italy trip. It will be a slightly restrained trip, but I figure that if I'm going to go all the way over there I might as well make it worth my while.

Life is good. I just need to take a deep breath and let it happen. Naturally.

A big hug and THANK YOU for your support and encouragement through my anxiety earlier this week. XOXOXO

7:19 p.m. - 2010-02-12

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other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell