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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Kind of crap, to be honest.

Well, I must be honest: I had a really shitty day. I felt muddled and confused. It was clearly a residual of the anxiety that was building last night.

I think I'm worrying about being the only one to end up alone, especially as yesterday I started to think of C. as staying with this woman I don't like. I believe that he has reached that "guy" point of wanting to settle down. He seems to have a blind spot to this woman's actual qualities; in fact, he seems more focused on the idea of having a relationship than on the actual person he is supposedly having a relationship with. Why do men do this? It's oddly reminiscent of the poet scientist. But on the other hand, at least C. is generally nicer when he's getting laid.

I don't know, guys. I'm not going to dig down, but when I get anxious I feel so terrible at work and I don't perform to my best. I think what happens is that when I get anxious about everything outside of work, work becomes super-stressful as I am thinking of it (cue big gloom and doom voice) as ALL I HAVE. Therefore, I must perform superbly at it, or else it's all over for me. It's a truly terrible experience to have this anxiety, because today I revisited something that I did when I had an anxiety attack in January, and my brain in regards to it was like swiss cheese. Fortunately, I'm somewhat amused by this. Go with it. What ca you do?

I know that the all or nothing thinking is my problem. But how to cure the fucker? (Excuse my language.)

Having said all of this, I did have a moment of consciousness a few moments ago, in which I separated the facts of the case from who I am. I gave myself a metaphoric hug, so to speak. I'd rather be hugging myself in La P3rla, but alas, that won't be happening. :) Only very occasionally do I wish I had other than a civil servant's salary. This is one such moment!

I have Italian tonight. I'm not adequately prepared and I don't have food (will have to buy on the way home), so it may be sub-optimal. Still, it shall be lovely. As it is.

Oh boo hoo. I just don't feel that great.

So here's some gratitude: I'm grateful for my super place. I'm grateful for the time that I have spent with C. in my life, now that that may begin to diminish appreciably. Oh! Actually, I went online yesterday and realized that I could buy a flight to New York with air miles points. I even found a flight for teh first week of March. It would be utterly pointless to go there, other than to shop. And that would be bad. But maybe I will think about it. I could stay in A's apartment. Unfortunately, as you know, A's evil girlfriend won't let him stay alone with me.

Oh I don't like possessive women!

OK. I should organize my books and a pen for Italiano! La donna e mobile!!

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6:16 p.m. - 2010-02-08

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