enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's how it is.

Well, you caught me there. I was just telling the truth.

I'm not attractive in the way that is in vogue here. I don't think that many men like my "look." Part of it is that I simply can't do the sexy look. It's not me; I feel really uncomfortable in it. Last night, for example, I was out with my friends in the bar district. I was wearing a black skirt with tights and boots with heels, although not high, and a burgundy merino wool v-neck. That's as sexy as I get. And of course I don't have highlights in my hair and I never wear more makeup than some mascara and lip balm/lip stick.

So I was looking around me, and there were girls in tight jeans with sky-high boots, hair done to the max. They had sparkly parkas and shiny purses. I just can't do that. It's not me. I don't have sexy gene.

This has always been the way that I've viewed myself, in part as men here have never really thought of me as pretty. I was never very successful at dating in high school, except among the "gifted" crowd and the dudes I competed with in math competitions, and in university I actually heard guys saying that I'm ugly. I don't feel ugly, but I don't feel that my more modest traits are appreciated in Canada. Hence, I don't feel very comfortable going out with guys who look very typical for the "hot" crowd. I know the girls they have been dating.

I know. Not fair. But it's true - I can talk to anyone and can hold my own in conversation, but I hate thinking about what other people think of my appearance.

It's interesting to compare with others though. I was talking to the secretary at work about online dating, which she did a number of years back, before she met her current partner. She emphasized to me how nervous she was about meeting and talking to someone. Her fears were all about what she was going to talk about.

I suppose we all have our things.

Oh well, forgive me. I was just being honest.

I also do wonder about dating younger guys. I always assume that they will start dating me and then will decide they want someone younger, which is exactly what Larry did. Not that Larry was a catch, but it was pretty hurtful when he told me that he'd dumped me by email because he was too embarrassed to tell me in person that he'd started dating someone younger (and, incidentally, much more typically "good looking). But then again Larry was already 40 and I was only 36 and he was an asshole...

Forget about it. I just find that this culture is obsessed with women looking just one way. I see it all around me - all of the women conforming to the looks on tv. I find it difficult to believe that a hot 36 year-old guy would want something different.

OK. Gotta run. C. will kill me if I don't get ready for the gym.

9:47 a.m. - 2010-02-07

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