enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Across a bridge, down a narrow street, up the stairs....to where the sky opens up to greet you.

Oh FIfi's so lovely - she always makes me feel so good about myself. Thanks, Fifi!

Yes, last night was interesting. I often think that I am not doing enough to move my life forward, but going out with this other girl made me do another think.

This girl is a career girl and very smart and pretty and so on, but she's 35 and has realized that career isn't everything. And yet she has no hobbies. I think of my life as relatively empty, but when she heard about my Italy trips and my Italian and my cycling, etc., etc., the list of things that I do and have done seemed rather endless. I was surprised, but it's interesting to flip the tables and see yourself differently, i.e. through the eyes of people on a more standard school-work-family trajectory. Her eyes got really wide when I told her about the courses that I take in Italy.

I got her talking about what she is passionate about - things completely different to me - because I thought that maybe as she started brainstorming she would get ideas as to things she could sign up for, try out. She didn't say she was sad, but I could tell that she is primarily preoccupied with not having a boyfriend.

The being preoccupied with not having a boyfriend is very interesting. This is because even though this girl is truly very, very attractive and very, very pleasant and smart...I could see why she doesn't have a boyfriend. It's a small and simple thing, but she doesn't seem to be at ease. Once she's doing something other than work, I'm sure that that will start to disappear and she'll meet someone.

I always thought that would work for me, but I think I'm different. She wants a stable guy and a stable life. I am different. I want an outlier.

So more waiting for me.

That said, the coffee guy (I'll just start calling him Raphael, because that's close enough) invited me to a movie next Tuesday. I'm going to hate the movie (Lars von Tr1ers' new one), but I think it will be fun. We're going to grab a bite beforehand. I don't think he's the love of my life, but he's nice and why not.

Speaking of dudes...I got an email from Marco this morning. It doesn't matter what that man writes - this morning it was shaded with his obvious worries about money and business and the difficulty of the winter - it lights up my life. I don't know when that is going to change. Perhaps never. Perhaps it will always be my small secret to myself. It reminds me of when I experienced my own personal renaissance in Florence two years ago. As a result, it will always be close to my heart. :)

XOXO

7:57 a.m. - 2010-02-05

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