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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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No need to read this - it's drivel.

So I have to confess that I ended the weekend feeling not great. I didn't really waste much time on the weekend, but I had it in my head that I had wasted all this time that I could have spent drawing or reading, when I did do lots of important things (cook, clean, exercise).

I think that maybe it's an issue of reordering my priorities, i.e. doing more of the things that are important (reading, drawing), but not pressing.

I don't know. I think I'm upset with myself because I let my mood be dampened by the dating thing and being alone and having to go out on Saturday night with C.'s new girlfriend, reminding me that I'm the only person in the world who seems to have trouble just finding someone.

I don't know. I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. In reality, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. This morning I still have my great apartment, my health, my great job, my future trips, my close friends, my fitness. I'm even not that bad looking. There is truly nothing to complain about. Furthermore, I am sitting here listening to a story about inadequate artificial limbs in Hait!, so it is beyond ridiculuos for me to be feeling sad. More importantly, don't you think, I've fought through so many past hurts and disappointments and losses and I've come out functioning very well and able to build a truly excellent life. Ought not I to be celebrating this first and foremost?!

So I feel upset with myself for feeling less than content.

But anyhow, I feel OK this morning. I have a lot of work to do today. I have a lot of work to do this week, in fact. And, in fact, I'm sure it will give me a lift when I see my promotion come through and my salary jump.

So, stop bellyaching. It is what it is.

Well-timed, my Parisian friend from Florence, Sabrina, wrote to me today. She said that nothing is happening with her at all, but since she started reading about Buddhism and started meditating about a year ago, she finds she has a new attitude about things. It reminded me that one always has the option of doing something constructive about a feeling (e.g. loneliness), rather than wallowing in it. I know it's more complex than that - I get into "loops" as a result of an actual problem with anxiety/organization of my brain - but so be it. I'm working on changing those neural pathways, aren't I?

So, another work day. And Italian tonight. I regret that I have not yet bought any books. It shall still be fun though. I am sorry now that I did not kick my own ass to take a drawing class as well, because sometimes I find I need the discipline of a class.

I'll stop rambling about this. I was thrown off as well last night by that weird guy who has written to me on the dating site with self-help tips. I confronted him about why he keeps on writing to me if he doesn't want to meet me. Then he went kind of nuts/weird and said some mean things to me. I know it's his problem and not mine, but it reminded me of all of the other jerks around here and it made me feel quite weary and sad.

OK. THAT's enough of the morning pages this morning. I feel rather cleansed, to be frank. I hope you didn't read and thereby I did it on your back. I know I ought to write privately and on paper, but I type so quickly and it feels so natural here that I can do it. When I stare at a "W0rd" page I tend to write very little. When I write in my proper paper journal it always seems so horrible to write these thoughts in there. I hate re-reading what I've written. Journals have never worked for me because then it's sitting there on paper, like a diseased limb following amputation. I suppose the solution would be to grab some scrap paper and then throw it out afterwards. Stupid how obvious the solution to problems can be. :) Also, I am going to go online and buy The Art!st's Way and start doing that. I am brilliantly inspired by the way that Anna has just flowed with her creativity. I cannot do that at all and so that has got to change. I know the secret to it all is simple and I already have posession to it. I just keep on losing touch with it when I find it. It's that I need to channel my energy into some positive creative output, rather than into wallowing. It's as simple as that. There you have it. That's going on my wall.

Soo...time for a shower. I will be on time! I woke up early this morning and then went back to sleep and had the funniest dream about leaving for work and going somewhre else, and then getting to work at 2:44 p.m. and having to explain to my boss why I was so late (and that I hadn't called). I was trying to figure out how I was feeling in my dream and I believe it was challenging to authority. I don't think that is a good thing in this instance. Have a great day! I'm aiming for a great week. :)
XOXOOX

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8:05 a.m. - 2010-02-01

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