enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Facing the bald-faced facts.

I know I've been writing too much lately. I shall try to keep this brief. I would try to make the entry pithy, like Anna's, but that would be a hopeless task.

I suppose that what I typically write about is what I'm feeling. So, why not...

I'm feeling two things:

Number one is that I want to follow through on my plan to go to Florence for a month in either April or May, but I'm already feeling chicken about - even if I did get permission - "letting go" of my job for a whole month. It sounds like a crazy thing but I really feel as though I'll be missing something or I'll lose the ground I've gained professionally. ACK - I can only wonder how career women feel when they leave the office to have babies...

Number two is that I feel simultaneously bored, depressed and impatient about the dating thing. Obviously - OBVIOUSLY - I have never been the type to "settle," just to have someone, but there are times when it's tough to be the one to walk home alone. Last night, for example, C. had his new girlfriend there. I don't think they're a very good match and I don't find her inspiring in any way, but still they had each other at the end of the night and I walked home in the FREEZING cold to yet another night alone.

I did get asked out by that guy I went to coffee with on Tuesday and whom I really did like. He invited me to a (hyper-intellectual - which is good, and bad) movie that starts this coming Friday, only I already have plans this week for BOTH Friday and Saturday, so that was a no-go. He suggested next week. I like him and feel really comfortable with him, but I can't say that I'm super attracted to him. Still, I will definitely see him and hopefully become friends with him. You never know what can happen. At least he is smart, respectful, and really listened to me/wanted me to speak as well. I think he's a good guy. (Incidentally, and this is funny, do you know how I was joking about having a son named Raphael, if I had a son? Well, this guy's real name is a variant of that. Funny, no?)

Do you know what else I remembered about the dude from yesterday? I mean, all he did was drop names (related to Hollyw00d, etc....snore) and talk about himself, but I also noticed that he didn't even take off his hat indoors. Am I the only person left in the world who thinks this is rude?

I don't know. I'm an old lady, I think, in a young body. If I don't know a guy and he's taking me on a date, I would really hope that he would do three things: offer to buy me a coffee; take off his hat or at least offer me a decent seat; show at least marginal interest in talking about something other than his own enormous talent...

I don't know. There's a reason why single people online dating are single. Obviously, for a lot of the men, it's because they have terrible social skills. As for the women, such as me, I suspect it's more about being picky. I am extremely picky, and I understand that, but at the same time unfortunately I am not an ordinary woman. I don't mean that as a compliment, but I don't think, behave and plan like the vast majority of women around me. As a result, the vast majority of guys I will not settle for. Hence, I suppose it is my destiny to be lonely. Well, except when I go to Italy.

Anyhow...why complain? I have a cold bed, but I do have a warm heart and lots of cool things to read and do today. I have terrible hair at the moment - growing in from short to mid-length and it is driving me nuts: I really ought to cut it - but otherwise I am pretty damn comfortable in my own skin. All good. No real complaints.

XOXO

9:26 a.m. - 2010-01-31

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