enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just some ideas.

Hi all,

I ended the day not so well - with a major helping of self-criticism and some undue stress. But all shall turn right. I know what I need to do.

Today I organized the staff social. Might you have observed that whenever I have to attend the staff socials I get a bit down at the corners of the mouth? It reminds me that I don't fit in with these people and I always end up putting my foot in it. I simply can't be myself with them.

Even before I felt that way I had been thinking of and concocting a plan. I'm at least going to approach that professor about completing my Ph.D. thesis in History. I've thought about it a bit, and I'd love to be able to change careers...eventually. My ideal would be to read history at Oxf0rd (not joking), but at this point that will have to linger as a life regret hanging about in the ether.

It occurred to me though that since going abroad to study would be beyond my financial means (no rich daddy here), my best bet might be to do a kickass Ph.D. here whilst still working, and then aim to get a post-doctoral fellowship in England. That is a very realistic plan that could be executed over the next 3-5 years. I wouldn't be giving up anything, and I'd in fact be gaining a great deal.

I was talking about this with the secretary at work during the social, actually, which is in part why I am feeling so badly. I mean, I wasn't talking with her about the history Ph.D. part, but I was talking with her about the fact that I know for 100% sure now that I don't want children and I also don't want to date a man with (young) children. I was worried that perhaps someone else might have overheard me and interpreted that as a critique of those who do have children (literally everyone in the office). I didn't say anything in THAT way, but...I'm a bit paranoid.

So...I was saying to the secretary that I feel liberated, finally, to start pursuing what it will take to get to be my authentic self. I've freed up some space for that by making a decision about what I will do about the important issue of marriage and family. I wasn't expecting that to come out of my mouth, but I felt it coming and...I felt that it was true.

So all of that is extremely interesting. I started formulating a note to that professor. The timing is good as a program would start in September. It will be interesting to see how much coursework I will be able to get out of given that I wrote four comprehensive exams in economics and that I do statistical anaylysis for a living. Normally, I believe that they require people coming in from outside like this to take a "research methods" class, but that would be pretty crazy in my case. I could teach the class.

But the thing is that I lack a background in pure history, having focused on economic history. I certainly don't bandy about words such as "proletarianisation" often enough.

And don't worry about me. I know a Ph.D. is an evil, demoralizing degree. I've been there before. But I suspect it's the right thing for me. I'm willing and able to suffer again (maybe - we'll see!). I think I'm wiser now.

Oh! And this reminds me of the Italian thing. I find it so funny that everyone accepts the stereotype that Italian men are all womanizers/cheaters. That's simply ridiculous. And anglo men are all saints as partners, aren't they? God, half of the marriages that I know that have lasted have survived at least one episode of cheating (all by the male, in these cases).

In any event, I'm no fool. I know that people get that impression as I'm effusive and emotional and gush on and on...but trust me, I am not a romantic at all. One thing that you don't realize about Marco is that I wanted him so badly because he is not a womanizer. It's precisely that he believes that marriage should be a rarity - "a miracle and the exception, not the rule" - that he was so valuable to me. He's very emotional and easily hurt and he protects that. In the end, whatever he might have considered feeling for me wasn't sufficently compelling to make him do anything about it.

Soo...it's all good. I have a scratchy throat. I'm going to dig up my thesis boxes this weekend and start thinking about my proposal. EVen if this comes to nothing, at least I will have explored the possibility. Maybe another road/idea will present itself as I do!

XOOX

7:52 p.m. - 2010-01-22

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