enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Peace is in the fine little details of the day.

Still feeling wistful, but in more of a "delicious" way than before. I was thinking of Marco and feeling mellow about it.

I actually had a pleasant day, although I can't really say how that happened, as I didn't leave my house. :) I think it's in part that my Sundays when at home are filled with the best intellectual radio programs (or at least my favourites - e.g. the writers' show at 3 p.m.). Today it was Hermione L33 and another biographer whose work I haven't read. I recently read H3rmione L3e's wonderful life of Edith Wh@rton, and, well, you know me and my love of history...so it was a delightful hour. (I started thinking about that history Ph.D. again, and about becoming a biographer...And you know, being a biographer would be right up my alley. I'm extremely detail-oriented and precise and when L33 mentioned the time at which she was sitting in an archive and was reaching the end of Virgin!a Woolf's diaries and knowing that when she turned the pages there would be nothing (and still feeling compelled to turn all of those blank pages)...it sent chills down my spine)

Actually, and you'll be amazed: I finished the finishing of not one but TWO sweaters that I have finished the knitting of in the last number of months. Impressive, no? I now can feel free to knit the pullover that I've started and then the grey cardigan I have wool for, since there is no unfinished project hanging over my head at the moment. Bon, huh? OK, well there's one.

And as for the dating, I think I realized what I'm angsting about: do I really want to be tied down or do I actually want to be free to live abroad, etc.? I think the answer is the latter (actually, I think I want to find a way to channel into some intellectual circles in Paris or something, and find a TRULY stimulating man to date), but it occurred to me that the only way I'll know is by going on some *ahem* real dates. Maybe a lot of dates. If I go on dates and keep on meeting nice men but coming up cold, I'll know that in fact I DON'T want to settle down (or at least not with any of them ;)). Man, it's so fucking difficult, no? :) I've already released/resolved the child question, so at least I'm free on that front. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Peace comes dropping slow, but gradually any doubt I have ever had about the child question has left me and I feel peace about not being a mother. (You know, it's really not that surprising that I'm going through so many debates and emotions about finding a life path: I'm at a genuine crossroads.)

So. Bon. I've decided that I'm going to make myself some sort of a fancy salmon and leek meal and so I guess I'd better high tail it to the store to buy the stuff.

Hugs to you guys for your kind words and support. I really appreciate your candour as well as your generosity.

6:47 p.m. - 2010-01-17

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