enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It will all pass, never fear! It's a busy time at work and very stressful, which doesn't help. And it's fucking cold. :(

Oh lately...fuck. Excuse the language, but I've been as dumb as fuck. I don't even know how dumb that is, but it feels like a new personal low.

In spite of the preceding paragraph, don't worry, I am exercising compassion with myself. :)

Really! :)

The thing is that today I experienced the terror of being anxious again and knowing that I can't control it. I'm just out of sorts this week. Everything feels as though it is working with a delay. I wonder if it's some kind of a nutritional deficiency or something. My sleep hasn't been great, so maybe that's it. I took enough prodding from C. today that I finally just went online and bought myself a S3asonal Affective Disorder light lamp. I have no idea if it is going to work, if it was a waste of money, but I'm hoping that it can't hurt. I really hope this feeling of not being myself doesn't last for long.

But in other news, I should have added that last night I took the email from that guy in good humour. He's a very strange guy. It's a shame that he's the only one who has contacted me that has sparked my intellectual interest - well, apart from this writer guy who is away on vacation this week but who seems steady and mature and wants to take me out next week (not attractive though, unforch) - because he's clearly not dateable. I'd been wondering what the hell he was doing with several weeks of emails and mysterious pictures supposed to represent himself (e.g. a horse with an "invisible horseman"). I mean, according to him he "adores me," thinks we're "psychological soulmates," and my photo in the yellow and white blouse is "exquisite."

Well, whatever, buddy. I'm amused but you're either on a dating site to meet people or...you're not.

So don't mind about that.

Today was a funny day as I was not feeling great AT ALL (see above) and yet downstairs at lunch there were men staring at me. I was with a male friend and he noticed as well. We looked to see if I had jam on the ass of my skirt or something but neither of us could see anything. We were duly amused. I don't think I was giving off come hither vibes, and I checked to make sure that I was wearing a bra with sufficient, ahem, padding against the cold.

Speaking of which, it is very cold. Sadly, the poetry thing is not close to home and so I bagged the idea. I did want to go. I'm still not feeling well though - very sniffly and exhausted - and so I'm making another pot of chicken soup. Tomorrow is another day and I'll be volunteering tomorrow evening.

I think I'll resume my plan to go on a few dates, but next week. I've tentatively scheduled one already and the guy seems very eager. He doesn't sound very interesting but...comme d'habitude.

I'm sure the writer dude will write to me when he returns from his holiday, and I'll go out with him. If that coffee shop guy emails soon I'll go on a date with him as well. That's three and that's a good start. I won't put too much pressure on it at the moment. I don't really feel much like dating. But life goes on.

Having said all of this, more thoughtfully, I must admit that i am aware that I ought to be concerned about the fact that I endlessly put off dating until another day. You'd almost think I have a problem with intimacy. ;) I don't know. I was chatting with one of our secretaries today - an older lady who has been single for 25 years - and encouraging her to get out there and start dating. She took 25 years to raise her kids and kept on saying that she wasn't ready to date. She lives around the corner with her mother and basically gets her emotional needs fed by that relationship. She acknowledges what she has been doing. It's interesting to me because she's a lovely, funny, joyful woman and I am sure that some man would love to spend time with her.

I wish you all peace and love and relaxation. I wish these things for myself as well. I'll keep on working on it and even in the doldrums I will keep on trucking. The weird thing is that I don't feel depressed. I don't feel sad. I feel loved and supported, more than ever before. It's just that I'm extremely nervous. Welcome to France?!

And by the way, Mr. Fre3willastrol0gy is fantastic: "The common idea that success spoils people by making them vain, egotistic, and self-complacent is erroneous," wrote W. Somerset Maugham. "On the contrary, it makes them, for the most part, humble, tolerant, and kind." I think the trajectory of your journey during the last 12 months tends to confirm his theory, Taurus. According to my analysis, you set new benchmarks for your personal best in 2009, while at the same time becoming a wiser, riper human being. Congrats! Now get out there and capitalize on the grace you've earned. Be as organized as possible as you share the fruits of your progress.

XOXOXO

8:16 p.m. - 2010-01-12

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