enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Mes amis, je vous aime.

Hi friends,

I'm feeling a mixture of melancholy and cross today, but believe it or not I'm not bothered by it. This too will pass. And feeling a bit out of sorts is just one part of the roller coaster of life.

My yoga teacher reminded us of that on Saturday, and I know that it's true. We simply can't avoid the dips - unless we drug ourselves to avoid them, and that's not me (I've eliminated all alcohol and am eating well until I feel much better) - and the dips provide good learning opportunities.

Right now, for example, I am taking my pissy reactions to a few things and trying to learn from them/cognitively restructure. I've had an easy time of picking out unhealthy reactions to things today and yesterday :), and so this is helping me with my cognitive development. The idea is simply to locate the underlying beliefs in a situation, and then to think about how you could possibly change those beliefs and thereby change future thoughts and emotions that will potentially arise in a like situation.

I realize that this is exactly what I've been doing in recent years, although less formally. I like it. More importantly, I know it works. I've managed to change a surprising number of beliefs in the last year, most importantly those relating to and growing out of my relationship with my mother, which is now on quite a positive keel (and was duly tested and survived six days with her in FLA). I'm always open for personal growth.

Speaking of which, the very mysterious dood on the dating site wrote me a very nice email today. He doesn't want to meet me until he is "on his feet, financially," (he is apparently caregiving for an ill, elderly relative) but I expressed interest in his training in philosophy and his ideas in general for personal/spiritual growth and he sent me this:

I can see the ocean in your eyes.
EB�I would love to hug you in return!

From time to time please allow me to send some ideas to you that will help with your personal growth. These ideas may be about literature, psychology, art, philosophy, psychoanalytic theory, film etc.

It would take a long time to explain how and why these ideas are beneficial to you in particular, so rather than offer an explanation, I will simply send them along to you :

1. Listen to a CD by Enya titled �And Winter Came� �the songs will touch your heart. Also watch the interview that Enya gives , available on Youtube, in which she describes how she put her CD together. She is class act like you!
2. Listen to Sarah McLaughlin�s songs and ask yourself how she is different from you. Study her motivation to be a creative, authentic and special artist. Listen to her song �Ordinary Miracle�.
3. Listen to another Canadian singer like Sarah McLaughlin�Joni Mitchell. Listen to her song :� Answer Me�. Think about the relationship between the lover and the beloved in that song.
4. Watch the movie Breakfast At Tiffany�s and Audrey Hepburn singing Moon River. Can you see yourself in this movie or in her film Sabrina?
5. Read novels or novels made into movies; some that you may enjoy are Leo Tolstoy�s Anna Karenina ; the Swiss story of Heidi; The Catcher in the Rye; The Life of Pi�all of these are significance in your exploration of yourself and your opposite.
6. Read biographies: eg. Queen Noor of Jordan, US Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton�successful women with ambition and style like yourself.
7. Take in some good Italian Cinema: La Dolce Vita, Only You (with Marissa Tomei); Life is Beautiful ( think about the closing scene where mother and son are reunited�what does this tell us about love?)
8. Keep an eye on Martha Stewart and Debbie Travis and their ideas on interior decorating and homemaking�this is another avenue for you to release your creative potential.
9. Read about the life of an Italian Saint named St Francis of Assisi. Buy a medal of St Francis and wear it around your neck�hold him close to your heart.
10. On Youtube, listen to the song �God help the Outcasts� from the movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame ...think about the beauty in the dispossessed.
11. Read about a branch of philosophy called Existentialism and evaluate its emphasis on the value of Authenticity. How can you become a more authentic person?
12. Read and recite the poetry of Rainer Maria Rilke, a Bohemian artist . He will touch your heart!
13. Make a list of your best qualities: your fullness of heart, how you can be self-accepting, inner-directed, authentic, modest ,charitable, gentle , benevolent and have self-deprecatory humor �etc
14. List things that you need less of : working to the point of severe exhaustion, excessive intake of coffee and stimulants, starvation diets, cosmetic improvement etc.
15. Take rest periods which will allow you to reconnect more deeply with yourself.
16. Listen to your emotions�they are not speed bumps�they will not slow you down.
17. Discover your own core values.

I mean, ONLY I could get, instead of a boyfriend, from a dating site, a PHANTOM PSYCHOTHERAPIST!!

Seriously, I'm not put off. I like things like this. Life is an adventure and the people in it a glorious cast of characters.

I have more than enough men asking me out right now, anyhow. Unfortunately they all do things like play pool and ski on the weekends. Unlikely to interest me. But it's early days yet. And I've got Andrea to see in the spring, who has a most gentle and pleasing way among men I have known. ;)

Just writing all of this down makes me feel pretty cheery and excited. :)

Bonne nuit!

8:12 p.m. - 2010-01-11

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