enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Rolling with the waves.

Hi friends,

Have been well but a little flat.

I had French all day, which rescued me from feeling anxiety at work. Still, my brain was not functioning very well as a result of yesterday's panic. These days, however, fortunately, from the last year or so of sharpness, I am less afraid when the brain goes off due to anxiety - I know the sharpness will eventually return.

So I got through today. I decided to take it easy, in spite of leaving work feeling UNeasy (confidence at a low, for some unknown reason, and worried about work and my boss, etc. etc.), so I meandered home (after picking up my new RED winter coat at the post office!).

After that I toodled around on the Internet and then C. came by. I set him up with some roast chicken and salad and the tv remote and left for a run. It was rather cold and a bit slippy and somewhat unpleasant, but I completed a nice run up the canal and back and had a hot hot hot shower upon my return. Naturally, I feel infinitely better now. I had been chatting late this afternoon with a colleague (the gay one) who mentioned that he had gone through the doldrums last winter until a colleague had told him to "just get out there and run."

And do you know what? That's excellent advice. I don't know how I forget it, but since I very rarely go without exercise and in the last three weeks with my travel I ran exactly zero times, this clearly was contributing to a build-up of pressure. The no exercise other than my 25 min walk to and from work thing is very unusual for me and clearly not a good strategy when I am feeling pressure at work.

I'm sure there must be one or two other things bothering me, but I feel very fortunate in having experienced a sufficiently prolonged period of very stable ground and confidence-building. I have had very few episodes of anxiety in over a year now. As a result of this, I can approach the problem more dispassionately, if that makes sense (though I'm not advocating being two independent parties, which is what that smacks of ;-)), than I used to. For example, as I was walking home I found myself saying negative things to myself about my work and my capabilities and so on and so forth. Most of it was irrational and came from practically nowhere. I simply felt myself spouting these things as if from another person's mouth. But here's the good thing: I could step outside of them and say, "What the hell are you saying? Why are you saying these things to yourself that aren't true? And even if they were true, what on earth would be the point in believing that they're true?" ;)

So it's marvelous to see the progress that I've made. I seem to be able to permit myself to feel badly for a couple of days, knowing that things will come back to their new equilibrium. I suppose it's a question of trust.

I haven't really done anything else today, so there's nothing else to say. I've received a few lovely notes from different people who are becoming friends. I feel as though I am building a community here, which is also a step in the right direction. This weekend I won't push myself to do anything terribly dramatic, but having said that I'll make sure that I accomplish something or other. Maybe a drawing. I'll do the finishing of the sweater I finished knitting the other day. I'll sit down and think about what I'm going to do about the something like 500 emails I've received on the dating site. I've started to forget who has emailed me and what their characteristics might be. I've told three I think that I would be willing to go out with them sometime, but people on dating sites have a weird way of disappearing. Not that it matters. I'll play it by ear. Still, I suppose I need to commit to something definite with someone or other. And with no expectations.

I don't know. Is there anything else? This REALLY is a ramble.

Maybe the usual. I can't quite decide on when the next Italy trip will be, or when I'll go to London or Paris. I think I need to work out exactly what races I'm going to do and then go from there. And I also need to buckle down and work harder on my French. It still needs work.

Phew. I'll take a deep breath now. I hope you're doing OK. We're all just surviving, you know. I think it's good to remind ourselves that even very "together" people question themselves. I know more than a few of those. We're all more or less in the same boat in this life. We just choose not to see that.

I read this yesterday. I have no idea where it comes from and I've seen it a million times, but it never ceases to be true.

Your b3liefs become your thoughts.
Your thoughts become your w0rds.
Your w0rds become your act!ons.
Your actions become your hab!ts.
Your hab!ts become your valu3s.
Your valu3s become your destiny.

I wrote this out by hand on a piece of paper and I put it up on my wall. I want to look at it every day to remind myself of this. I have a whole hell of a lot to do in my life and I don't want to waste one minute on beliefs or practises that are anything less than powerful and empowering.

Love. XO

10:40 p.m. - 2010-01-08

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