enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And a friend's in China

Well, the peace has returned.

I find I'm starting to ask very different questions than I used to. Instead of asking why I didn't do somethng monumental on a weekend, for example, I've started asking why ever would I need to.

I believe in ticking things off one's list. I find it's extremely difficult to be relaxed if one has five or more things hanging around that need to be done. Having said that, I haven't gotten much done today, and my point in writing the preceding paragraph is that mountains don't need to be moved every day.

I did haul myself out to yoga though, and that was nice. I went because my friend who meets me there is worried about some medical tests that she had a couple of weeks ago. I feel confident that she is going to be fine and that she has something that she has generated in her mind, but I would never try to diminish her by telling her it's in her head. Anyhow. So I went to yoga to spend some time with her and then we went out for brunch. It was fun. I have a plan to surprise her with beautiful flowers from a very chic place on Monday.

C. actually met us at the cafe and then after the meal he and I went to the natural foods store and then took a long walk in the sun back to my place. I am thrilled to report that he has mellowed out quite a bit in the last few weeks and even said himself that he is feeling much better! Yay!

I'm sure it's not going to be a perfect road as work heats up this winter, but I'm feeling rather optimistic.

Anyhow. Back to the list.

The list is difficult. It involves a ton of both interesting and tedious things that need to be done.

I need to renew my passport. I put the photos out today and will pick up the forms on Monday. That shouldn't take too much time and effort. I'd like to get it done soon though in case I decide to go to Italia in March (not completely unlikely :)). That will be interesting as Marco's birthday is in mid-March and of course I also am intrigued to see Gian Andrea again. I forgot to mention that I listened to his phone message again and he said in fact that he had tried to call me on both Christmas and on New Year's. I was rather touched by that. I really did like that guy, very much. It was very easy to be with him and he has such a sweet personality. An Italian affair with a rather intelligent and sophisticated man wouldn't be the worst thing I could choose to do with my March...a Firenze. Hmm...

I felt a strong impulse to draw this afternoon, but I let that pass. Instead I cleaned up a bit.

Other things on the list include buying cross-country skis and thinking about whether another course interests me.

Something that's hanging over my head and bothering me a bit is this dating site thing. I now feel pressure to go out with some of them, and frankly I really can't distinguish between most of them. I don't know how to choose among them. Frankly, they all sound incredibly bland. Even thinking about it makes me kind of tense. Of course, I must admit that even though I didn't really like any of the guys I met when I did this in 2006, most of the conversations were very smooth and the evenings not terribly unpleasant. Dating isn't fun, but it doesn't have to be terrible. Sometimes it can turn out very well. When I think about Marco or Andrea, for example, neither one would have caught my attention in particular based on core demographic characteristics, looks, etc. But I adore both! Really!

There are other men in my life like this. I mean, of the "solid, wonderful, without fanfare" variety. I'm not actually referring to C. in this case.

Oh, life is fun! I have to say that I do feel that way right now. I was in the shower this morning and I was thinking about the anxiety and then on the flipside how wonderful it is that most of the time a whole new world is opening up to me in which there is so much choice, and so much (although unknown) to look forward to. There is nothing else to say but that I feel excited.

A friend of mine - the lady I like from work - actually met a guy she really likes on the same dating site, just a week ago. I mean, it's early days yet, of course, but she said they really clicked. She also said that she'd been on that site for a year, and that she hadn't had the sense that he was anything particularly special from his photo or profile. I know that that's the way it is - you have try on a whole bunch before you'll land on one worth pursuing.

Do you know what the big problem is though? I don't want to do the work. I don't really want to find someone. I know that my friend really wanted to find someone. I'm more in a place that if someone landed in my lap I would go with it, but otherwise it all seems like a big pain in the neck.

I loved my meeting with Gian Andrea. I was standing out next to the Duomo in Florence - literally - raising my face to the sun, holding shopping bags, and smiling at the beauty of it all. He was walking briskly by and, without stopping, asked me the time in Italian. I said (in Italian) that I don't speak Italian, and he stopped, turned around, and looked into my eyes. He said (in English) that he felt mesmerized by my eyes and would I take a coffee with him? (I love the way Europeans say "take" a coffee, because they use a verb such as "prendre" or "prendere" sometimes in these cases. I also find it so incredibly charming when French people describe having their "hairs" cut in English, because "cheveux" is plural. I've started saying it myself!) (It truly did seem that spontaneous, but I don't know him that well. I always wonder when people ask me the time if they really don't know the time...I don't think I looked to see if he had a watch, although he was due to go back home to have dinner with his parents who were visiting for medical appointments.)

I mean, if you ever did want to meet a man and have a longstanding relationship, would not the coolest meeting place ever be by Brunell3schi's masterpiece as you raised your face to the sun and the glory of it all (and most especially if that's a place that warmed your heart when it was once cold)??

Yes, I KNOW.

I think it's a cool meeting story.

But I'm not too proud to say that I met a dude online, if he turned out to be a nice dude.

I almost wrote "dood."

Anyway. Enough about dudes. Dudes are not the point. I love my red coat. I wish you could see it. I will have to snap a photo. It is wool and fitted and has a thick lining and it is the brightest, sharpest red ever. I feel like a cardinal (the bird) when I put it on. Gosh it's a lovely feeling. I might be a red person, after all, although on the whole I probably look best in pink.

Well, sorry for the self-absorbed, self-conscious ramble. I ought to finish here. But then again, I ought to say that the coolest thing about this path that I'm on right now is that the happier and stronger I feel the more I can give to other people. That feels good.

OK. XOXOXOXXOXOXOXO

You know, it occurred to me this afternoon and it occurred to me again just now: I ought to sit down and budget and see if I could potentially go on my three month leave to Paris and Florence sooner than later. I keep on thinking later, but the coordinator of my volunteer group and I were chatting this week and she was saying that I should just go, before something else gets in the way. I take her point, in a way. I keep on thinking career, career, career, but something else WILL likely get in the way if I keep on delaying. Of course, I need to save more money. Hmm...Maybe commitment is called for, at least with the budget notebook at my little table. We do only live once. :) God I love my life! (Well, except for the fact that I was going to go for a run and now I realize that it is -24 C outside. Oops! Should have gone in the sun.)

5:50 p.m. - 2010-01-09

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