enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My fort Whoop-up. Welcome. Xmas pics one entry back.

It feels rather melodramatic to say this, but this year was the best year of my life.

I feel so happy, and it came on almost completely by surprise. There were ups and downs...but my confidence grew. That is a sparkling gift. But...this may lead me to start to coccoon again. I just took down my photos from the online dating site, which is equivalent to taking down the profile. Lots and lots of men have been interested and have been writing notes, but I find it so gruelling to have to go through them all and figure out a way to politely decline. I simply don't see myself with someone who can't spell, doesn't use at least somewhat proper grammar, and who doesn't appear to have much taste. Maybe that makes me mean.

I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't really want to meet someone. I mean, I DO want to meet someone, only that someone can only be on my terms. I want someone like Marco. I mean, bless his heart, Marco even uses correct grammar and spelling (with few exceptions) in his SECOND language. That's quite a feat, given that he's not exactly a scholar. But it shows his good taste and the kind of effort and care that he takes with me. Canadian men are simply not like that.

Oh! Speaking of all of this, you'll laugh. Yesterday, in one of those heinous security line-ups full of people who clearly don't travel much (What was my first clue? Probably the suitcases that were bigger than they were. Why, people, why? But I digress...)

Oh! The dude. I met a man in line. He was 52, really energetic, not exactly handsome but cute, and very pleasant to talk with. He was very friendly with me, but I could sense that he was making an effort not to flirt and so I assumed a wife.

I was correct about the wife, but it was more complicated than that. I don't know why things like this happen to me, but the guy ended up inviting me for coffee in the pre-boarding area and pouring out his heart to me about the affair that he had had recently that broke the vows of his thirty-year marriage. He then told me the story of his ten days walking the beach in Daytona, his decision and experience of breaking up with his "lover" over the phone (with whom he was living in a rented apartment in Ottawa over the last month), and the fact that he was yesterday returning to the Ottawa area in order to attempt to patch things up with his wife.

As you can guess, the aforementioned took quite a long time. I was very pleasant and supportive. Surprise, surprise, but in practise I am not a judgemental person! Really, it's true. I accept people as they are. That might surprise you. :) I seem to have trouble giving myself up to even a standard boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, so it's not difficult for me to understand that people change and develop new interests and make mistakes. Marriage must be bloody difficult. Marco thinks it should be the exception, rather than as common as it is. I think he might have some wisdom there.

I don't know why I'm recounting this story. I think it's because the whole world feels wide open to me right now. I see that there is no one right answer to...anything. I mean, there's not even a right answer to as simple a question as to whether or not to buy a coffee or brush one's teeth in the morning.

In fact, I love that life can go in many, many directions. Every day can go another way.

It's so difficult to rid oneself of the training that we get that there is only one - more or less - way by which a "normal" life must progress.

Gosh, I've already forgotten how I started this entry. I was thinking though that meeting that awesome couple in FLA really made me want to travel some more. It even made me want to get a Latin lover. I think that this might be an incurable thing. I think that Marco might have ruined me for these practical Canadian men who are apparently all excellent at...renovating and riding snowmobiles and such.

I don't know. What do I know? Nada. I am as open as the sky.

Off to make dinner. And have a hot shower. It was 32 degrees C colder here today than it was in FLA yesterday.

I think I might like to change my mind a lot. I said that to the woman with the Colombian husband. She nodded solemnly, reverentially (not to me - to the concept! :)).

7:16 p.m. - 2009-12-29

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