enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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This is a totally crazy entry. I'm tired and grumpy and not making much sense. I'm OK though. :)

Hey dolls,

A bit ambivalent today.

We had our office Christmas party today. This is my third with this group. The parties always take us to someone's house. I think that this is what makes me uncomfortable. It becomes more obvious that I don't fit.

It's also weird to be in expensive, fully-loaded houses where people raise children. In spite of everything, the home in which I grew up was more bohemian. My dad was a research veterinarian, for sure, but he also wrote poetry and loved music (he had a HUGE vinyl collection - I mean, walls and walls of vinyl. I would take out his Be@tles albums and J3sus Christ Superstar and dance around and sing at the top of my lungs). My mom was a music teacher and we always had at least two pianos. My mother, although she has exaggerated this to become irritatingly Martha St3wart-esque in recent years, and well, she has her issues...was fortuitously always very crafty. This is how I learned to cook, knit, make quilts, do needlework, sew my own clothes.

So it's quite funny to be in one of those stainless steel houses with giant tvs and stuff like that.

So..no worries. The people who hosted the party were actually nice. I had some dreadfully boring conversations with other people, however, but mercifully the party only lasted four hours.

There was one guy with whom I had a great conversation at the party: a guy who is on rotation and who is leaving. Unfortunately, he is way too young for me, but he's a veritable genius. Twenty-five, graduated from Oxford in Int3rnational Relations, a veritable expert in climate change. I mean, the guy writes reviews of books for science periodicals. I was swooning. Me love stuff like that. He also is a serious photographer.

But this is not the point. It is not about dudes. It is about me.

I've been on the verge of a cold since yesterday, which I'm partly blaming on the weather (it's fucking frigid out there). I just wish it would come or go. I stood in a hot shower for a long time just a few moments ago.

When I refocus and focus on my life I feel perfectly contented. I laugh when I look at my armchair because I realize how ridiculous is the amount of wool that I have recently purchased to make sweaters. I mean, I am going to have five new sweaters this winter! Too much? Yes, likely. What was I thinking? I suppose I need to keep busy. Sweaters keep me productive. Does make me feel a bit mental as Anna so poetically says, when I look at it. One is to be a grey cardigan to replace my battered and beaten old, ubiquitous grey cardigan, but the others are rather superfluous. I suppose that one will be thick enough to skate in at the North Pole, which is somewhat useful.

And did I mention that it is fucking cold here? A few moments ago I checked only to find that it was -17 C after a full day of sun to warm us up; the temp is now dropping.

So I have something else to say. I'd love your opinions. I'm finding on the dating site that the men who are contacting me have "some college" or "bachelors" education. I feel terrible saying this but I keep on thinking, "Will some super-nerdy dude with a Ph.D. and really specialized interests find me? Please?"

I know. It's irrational. It also goes against my recent philosophy of trying other dudes. And Marco is hardly a Ph.D. in anything other than analysing pasta, pairing wine with lunch, and tax evasion and I think he is divine. Actually, I'm being unfair. I think he's a talented artist. And he was a jazz musician when he was young. I love the mysterious layers that I can peel away. In fairness to me, the men who write to me come across in their profiles as being as dull as dishwater. That's the problem. And they can't spell. I hate that.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I know what I want. I don't know what I want. What the hell is up with that?

Don't get the wrong impression - these are just ideas. I'm not miserable at all. I'm not even sad. I was invited by a woman I really, really respect who works in the international division to go to a Christmas concert on Saturday night and to have dinner with her friends beforehand. I was very flattered and I am excited about that. Another woman I find to be very intelligent and interesting invited me to join a book club and also to join her trivia night group. I might not do either, but she has another friend in an outdoors club that appeals. These are all things I want to do. And of course, when S. gets back from England, we shall be drinking and watching documentaries in her documentaries club. Me likes.

Don't mind me. I need these rambles. They must get out.

XOXOOXXO

8:32 p.m. - 2009-12-17

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