enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Word to the wise: Don't run 10 km in a snowbank

AYYYYYYYY...

C. and I just ran 6 miles in snowdrifts. None of the snow has yet been cleared. Usually I like snow, but today I was cursing. I think I'm more anxious now than I was before I ran.

I've noticed that this week my anxiety has been lying in wait. It's ready to pounce. I am trying to think of why this might be, and the best I can come up with is Christmas. Christmas must be working already on my subconscious.

I suppose it must be an issue of acclimation. This Christmas in Florida might actually be nice. It will be warm, the food will be good. My mother seems to be behaving herself.

So I got to thinking. Can I remember even one Christmas fondly??

The truth is that I could not think of any Christmas in the last thirty years that I would like to repeat. I don't know what it is about me and Christmas. Maybe I've heaped too much of my disappointment re. family on Christmas. Maybe I just need to change my thinking around. Just as one's birthday doesn't have to be the time when one thinks about aging and what one hasn't done, and New Year's doesn't have to be the party to end all parties, Christmas can be just...Christmas.

I wish I could stay home and go to church and relax, but I'm going to shut off those feelings and concentrate on starting a new tradition of "Merry Christmas!"

Why ever not.

Having said all of that, I think it might be time to make some shortbread cookies. :)

8:39 p.m. - 2009-12-09

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