enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The other side of the coin.

Oh dudes,

I don't mean to complain or anything, but I'm wearied by this weekend.

C. has been having some issues lately. He's always been gloomy, but intermittently lately I've been worried about him being depressed. He's been inordinately disappointed by a particular girl who isn't interested in him. He's been fixating on it. He's also stressed about what he should be doing with his life. Frankly, I think the end of the Ph.D. threw him through a loop; he's left with nothing external to control his time.

This is all in part why I suggested that he go to Germany for Christmas. He's taking an extended holiday there, starting in mid-month.

His relationship with his mother has intermittently been pretty bad. He says that she's controlling and so he won't do what she says. They haven't been talking much lately. It's very sad, as she's old, and his dad is also not well, and I think he should get over to Germany and figure out why he's neither able or willing to take their advice, or to make decisions himself.

Sigh. It's stressing me out! I get over my own problems and I'm ready to enjoy life...and now I'm on the phone for three hours today with his mother in Germany. Also, C., being C., refuses to agree to go to talk to anyone or to get any help. He never listens to me, and although for the most part he seems OK, I still don't feel good about how often lately he has seemed quite down. I'm at a loss.

Anyhow. Not to complain. We went for dinner tonight and he seemed OK. I'm going to continue to pressure him to see someone. I don't see why not. I can definitely see now how stupid it is to not seek help when one is feeling depressed, especially when the resources are available.

Anyhow. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm tired. This was not a fun weekend.

OK. Sleepytime.

I hope that C. figures out when he is in Germany whether or not he should be looking for a job back home. His mother is going to get his best friend from childhood to speak with him (he's a doctor), and also hopefully his brother can help him to resolve some of his struggles with his family and his responsibilities.

Wbgy don't the problems ever go away? I just want to enjoy the little patch of success and peace I've finally found. I'm tired! I feel as though I'ev spent my whole life working my way through the muck. I don't want to do that anymore. I feel happy myself. And now I feel guilty for feeling happy when C. is not feeling happy. Of course I'm not really feeling happy right now as I am worried about C. I just want him to be happy, settled, and to feel joy in life. That bastard depression. He always gets me, in one way or another. Some of us are just cursed, aren't we? Or maybe I want to say fuck to dumbass Western societies in which people feel isolate and lonely and don't take proper care of each other. Either one. I'm not sure. OK. I'm going to hug myself, wash my face, and lie in my bed and read Persuasion.

PS I had to tear out the back of my sweater because at some point I seem to have forgotten how to count. Otherwise, I am very well, actually. Don't worry about me. Wish the best for C. to get over this hump though, please. Today I was walking home and thinking about the Desiderata: "Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in times of sudden misfortune." I have a bit of that. I'm glad that I have that. I have faith that it will all work out well in the end. XO

11:41 p.m. - 2009-11-29

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