enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I am the architect of my own life. I know that. Time to build.

Well, the EB-meister is not sleeping enough and is not cooking enough!!

I was too excited after my promotion meeting to sleep on Wednesday. And then last night I decided in the end to go to see the Irish film at the film festival, even though it was late. When I got home, I needed to unwind, and so I was late to bed again.

I don't feel too terrible, however, and so that bodes well for my French class today. I'm stepping up the effort again in French.

I must admit though that I've lost my desire to go to Paris! I don't know what it is about me and Paris. I should want to go. There are many reasons for me to want to go, but still I'm "Meh!" It's Italia that is always in my dreams. I feel I must be Italian in my soul.

First, however, I will of course go to England! Or maybe in reverse order - Italy in March and then England in April/May. Though I'll have to figure out how much time I can afford. But I can't afford to NOT go away. It's the only thing that buoys me up from month to month. I don't have a car. I do cheap things...Travel is what I spend my money on. It's a funny sort of a budget equation! :)

I suppose that it (travel) is the sole consolation of my single state: I have travel. Travel makes me happier than I can say, as you have observed.

Yes, again, am rambling!

It's all OK. I'm keeping myself busy. I am looking for a new volunteer job to do. I'm thinking with senior citizens, perhaps with something Christmas-specific to start.

And of course I have A LOT to do, work-wise. It gets piled upon me.

I mentioned the other day that I am likely going to Atlanta. I'm not joking. I guess I'd better fill in the papers. At the beginning of January, it's the American Econom!cs Association meetings. I've been asked to represent.

It's not exactly my idea of travel, but I am not averse to going, if I can't be in Europe at that time. I will even try to enjoy visiting my parents in Florida for Christmas. I am steeling my brain for that. I will miss going to church in the snow here on Christmas eve. That is pretty much the only thing I have ever enjoyed about Christmas, and I will have to miss it! Doh! I don't want to go to the beach!

I complain too much. I just have to get through the next couple of months - go along with it - and then I'll be free to do the things that *I* love.

That makes me sound all whiny, when Fifi is all thankful.

I am thankful, too. I am thankful to have a good job, some security (which I've never before had), and some ability to self-determine.

On the other hand, I think that this is a difficult time because I feel that my choice set is shrinking. It is much less than it was, and that scares me.

I wish I'd known when I was young that I would want to work in Europe. I could have arranged that.

I hate that I'm too old for the young professionals programmes at various development banks and orgs. That's rather terrible.

I suppose I could move to another city in Canada or in the U.S. But there is no city that appeals to me. New York would be the only one, I think, and it's way too expensive.

Naaaaaaaahhh! I think my only option is to marry a European. :)

Actually, someone asked me the other day if I have a grandfather who might have been born in Europe. I don't think it counts. I am not even sure. The only one who possibly was born in Europe is my paternal grandfather, but even there I think it was HIS father who was born in Wales. He was probably born in Toronto.

I should stop complaining, shouldn't I?? I think my goal ought to be to continue to enjoy being here. It would be much nicer if I could find someone interesting to date.

May I tell you something horrible?

I actually met a man last night. He is a friend of the English woman, who is very bright. But it was just as with the man the night before. He was not sufficiently intelligent for me. He was pleasant, but at every turn I felt that he couldn't engage me in a proper discussion. He didn't seem to understand what I was saying, or he said something rather predictable and boring. In fact, he made statements that were patently factually inaccurate. I hate that. Also, he has lived in Ottawa all of his life and he doesn't speak any French! Ottawa is a bilingual city! It's on the border with Quebec! If you haven't bothered to learn French in 45 years that is telling me that...you're not a very curious person. I don't like that, either.

I'm way too fussy. Well, I didn't even find him attractive, anyhow.

In spite of this seemingly self-pitying tripe, I'm doing well. I also will enjoy my French class today. My colleagues in that class are so nice.

MFV gave me some advice a while ago, and I'm going to heed it. He said that the outfit you wear when you go out to look for dudes is not important so much for them, but important for you. You need to feel confident and sexy.
Yesterday, I felt confident and sexy. I recently bought a coral-coloured merino turtleneck. It fits beautifully. I loved the bright colour. I wore it with a black pencil skirt, my Italian heels, and a fine black patent belt at the waist. I felt great. So, in spite of not wanting to rely on clothes to feel good, I think I'm going to buy a few more colourful things. Maybe a patterned skirt. I'm going to pump up the sexy feeling, which is a feeling I usually shy away from completely.

That was a silly entry. Do forgive me. I'm working out some feelings/ ideas.

It's almost the weekend. This evening. Thank goodness. This weekend I have cleaning and organizing to do of my apartment. And even though I don't have many too people to invite, I think I'll organize a Christmas party here.

OK. Off to the shower! XO

7:56 a.m. - 2009-11-27

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