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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And the shot was completely painless.

Oh Gawd,

I seem to have purchased a bit of Anna's "fucked up Friday" feeling..and have carried it through the weekend. :)

I do wonder if it's a combo of hormones and the time of year. We get no flipping light in this country. C. is also very gloomy at the moment. It's amusing, the two of us together. It's the blind leading the blind.

I went to get my flu shot tonight, and I actually thought of becoming a nurse and practising in first nations communities in the north or in Africa. It's not a new thought. I have a great deal of respect for nurses.

You might recall that when I went for my career testing last year the best job for me was suggested to be physician.

But let's be honest: After ten years in university already, I'd be practically dead or carrying nearly the national debt were I to return to university for ANOTHER ten years.

I suppose that that's the advantage of Ph.D.s: they generally pay you to do those. Not much, but you get by.

The opportunity cost would still be great, but...

At work today I decided to take myself down to the concourse for lunch, since C. is always (reasonably) chiding me about the fact that I won't meet anyone by staying in my office as I always do. Quite unfortunately, however, being in the concourse with all of the dull civil servants (of which I am one, I am well aware) in droopy trousers was less than encouraging. I mean, perhaps it's a brilliant stroke of self-manipulation that I've managed to fail to realize that I'm one of these droopy, middle-class civil servants going back and forth with food in a paper box each day.

I know now.

C. and I had a debate tonight, of course, about how changing careers would be a stupid waste of skills and training that not that many people have. He tried to convince me that I'm doing good for the world and can do more, but it's a hard sell.

I'm a difficult case, but I suppose that we all are. We all need to feel that we have something purposeful to do. I might even be more difficult as I MUST HAVE BEAUTY.

I can't stand the ugliness of my world. It's quite impressive, actually that I've managed to work for two years in a nearly windowless interior office wallpapered in grey tweed. Seriously!

Change must happen. It simply must happen. I really ought to go back in this diary to see if such comments always increase in frequency at around this time of year. I might be more simple than I think I am.

I'm rambling, but this time I believe you might be taking my point. I think I managed to stop from beating myself up over the fact that I don't have a huge number of friends here. In fact, I have more friends than I deserve here, since I never really do much to either stay in touch with anyone or to encourage their interest in me. I wait to be sought out. I don't think I've ever sought anyone ought here myself, which is actually a cruelty, if you think about it. Who do I think I am, anyhow?

Well, I don't have anything else to say. I feel vaguely empowered at the moment, which is a decent outcome of the day. My yarn still hasn't arrived, but I have accepted the loss and I'll figure out what to order to replace it.

Yes. And I think I ought to have a wee glass of wine, don't you? But then again, maybe no. I have no idea about any issues with vaccines and alcohol. OK. Tea it is. :)

XO

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8:42 p.m. - 2009-11-23

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