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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just a ramble about friends

I think I've picked up Anna's "fucked up Friday" feeling. I enjoyed yesterday, but I had some stuff on my mind before bed last night, stayed up too late as a result, feel a bit "off" today as well...

I do get my period in the next couple of days, so take this with a grain of salt.

I'll tell you honestly: I was worrying about the fact that I don't have many friends in Ottawa.

I know that it's mostly not my fault, and that it's partly a function of getting older and having more distinct interests, but I was worrying that there's something wrong with me.

I mean I probably only have a handful of friends in Ottawa, and none that I would consider close (except for C. and my two university chums, K and A. Oh and my Czech friend, S. (also from university).

In the first year that I was here, the no friends thing was explicable. I hung out exclusively with visiting scholars at the statistics agency, and at the end of the year they returned to Italy, the U.S., England, and India, respectively. That was poor judgment on my part, except that I had a lot of fun with those people, and it was nice to have smart people to hang with.

At the end of that year, of course there was the Larry debacle. That destroyed my nerve.

And then I did the horribly unsuccesful online dating thing for several months, which was distracting.

I suppose I made Dan as a friend, at my former department. We're still friends and meet occasionally after work for coffee or to walk his dog. He's a great guy, and he's made the effort even though he has a girlfriend. He's the one who took my clothes to the charity depot.

Of course there's the poet scientist. He invited me recently for a hot chocolte after volunteering, and we would be friends except for his romantic attempts with me whilst he has a girlfriend. That just doesn't work.

And of course there are the two A's at work. One is the gossip who will remain a casual acquaintance. She's a nice girl, but too focused on status and stuff to interest me. The other A. I really like. We went to the writers' fest together as well as two movies thi summer. We chat at work a bit, but she is a single mother and is rarely available on weekends (she visits her parents in a nearby city).

There's also S., the English woman I really like, who invited me to the documentaries club.

I guess that's it.

I suppose what I'm really upset about (See how useful writing is??) is that 1) I have few close friends other than the first four mentioned; 2) very few other people really interest me; and 3) there have been people who have come in and gone.

So let's get down to facts: I'm really upset/worried about the people who have gone their separate ways.

There have been a few.

But now that I think of it, if I were speaking with a friend about this I would tell the friend that it's normal that some people don't click and drift away...and that focusing on the negative rather than the positive is unuseful.

And that would actually be true.

Now that I've written this out, I realize that this is a classic example of what Anna told me recently: "When you talk to yourself (instead of the usual), talk to yourself as if you were your own closest, dearest friend.

Yeah.

How easily are problems revealed.

This is good. I feel as though I can face the day much better.

Last week I was talking with a friend who lives elsewhere, about the fact that he doesn't care about what other people think about him. Most days, I feel the same way. I do my thing, live my my values, am a fair and honest person...and if people don't think I'm cool or exciting or whatever...that's their problem.

It's difficult to hold to that though when you feel lonely. What I really crave is more intimate friends who live here. It doesn't help that I always meet lovely people, especially women, when I'm in Florence.

Lately, C. has been getting on my nerves. I think he sees me a bit as his mother, because he's very argumentative and takes his mother for granted. He does the same for me. Often, when we're running, for example, I choose not to speak because I know that he's going to say something negative and will bring me down.

Well, this isn't going to be solved today. The goal for today is to find a new volunteer job. Tonight, I'll go online. And maybe I'll find something Christmas-specific that I can do. That should take my mind off feeling lonely here.

OK. Off I go.

XO

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8:35 a.m. - 2009-11-23

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