enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Kind of fucking around with my head today.

OK, so complete honesty.

Today was a bad day. I couldn't pep myself up. I wasn't exactly useless or anything, but I was feeling flat, unenthusiastic, uninterested.

It was the worst I've felt since the summer.

That's interesting, in itself. I mean, I seem to be falling into pits less often. I also know what to expect and I know, at least sort of, how to get out of them.

I mean, I felt quite low today. I'm sure there will be other moments. But I've kind of talked myself out of it. I worked my way out of it a bit, by organizing, setting lists and tasks this afternoon, and starting one by one to catch up on the reading that I need to do.

I did a little bit of beating myself up over being not sufficiently ambitious and not doing this or that work-wise, to impress my boss. But then I talked myself down as ridiculous. Sure, I'm not God's gift to economics, but I've worked way way way way beyond what I've being paid, my skill level is way beyond what I was meant to be doing this year, and I've delivered on every project that has been given to me. My co-author on the paper I'm working on at the moment said today that he's never before had a project go so swiftly and smoothly.

So I take some credit from that.

SO this is all good. I managed to talk myself out of beating myself up over work. That's new. I mean, it matters. But on the other hand...it's just work.

What's really eating me is the loneliness that I feel here. If I weren't lonely I am sure that would care very little about the job. What has always mattered to me most is the quality of my work. Once that is taken care of, I don't care much about rewards.

Always when I go to Florence I meet other free spirits and make connections and feel alive. Here, I struggle. People here do not make me feel alive.

It may in part be the "real life" versus "vacation" thing. In fact, I'm sure that that's a part of it.

But that doesn't make "here" any less frustrating.

I want to say that I don't want it all, but that would be selling myself short. I always do that. I realized on coming into my apartment tonight that I'd told the superintendent not to worry about getting the mail keys to me (I lost one key ring during the move, something I've never done). I've given the guy a week already and he also hasn't hooked up my buzzer so that anyone can visit. I always am easygoing like this about things, because I don't want to impose on people, but I realize that I have to start expecting more for myself. It always comes from a place of not thinking I deserve enough.

So I'll say right here that I do want to find someone to have in my life. I'd like to feel the way that I felt last week with Andrea. What a lovely man. Why do I have to meet men like that when I am away and not here? Why??

I hate to say that he would have been perfect for me, for I don't know, but the funniest thing that he told me is that in the evenings he likes to stay at home to read. Lately, he's been reading books on food safety. I think that that's hilarious. There's a small leitmotif here, in that the poet scientist (a food safety scientist), asked me yesterday to have a hot chocolate with him after the next volunteering gig. Let me note that he is still living with that girlfriend.

Anyhow. Let's not talk about the past.

I did buy my fondue stuff and I'm going to make it now. I'm going to enjoy the evening and will start out tomorrow with a fresh attitude. Sure, things are lonely now, but infinite riches flow freely into my life. I need to start believing that. And not sabotage the good life that I already have.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

7:10 p.m. - 2009-11-09

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