enfinblue's diary

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Processes

I have been feeling rather lonely today. The feeling of Florence that carries me through rather blindly for a while after I get back has now softly departed during the night. I'm left with another weekend here alone, wondering why I was born here and not somewhere...prettier.

But I'm not ungrateful.

I put in about six hours of organizing my apartment, and although it doesn't look quite like it, it's much more liveable now. Now that I have much more space I'll be able to buy more furniture, as well, such as bookcases, and gradually the space will morph into something rather pretty. I still can't exactly decide on the paint colour. The preference is for pale violet, but I can't quite convince myself yet that that is exactly right.

I pulled out my posters and laid them flat on the floor and felt a little catch in my throat when I pulled out the panorama of Florence. I'll put it up when it's flat.

I put up the drawing that I did of the male nude in Florence in May, in my bedroom, and just doing that did me a world of good. Standing on my bed I thought, simply, "Just make your plan to work towards moving to Europe in 3-4 years. You'll be able to get a posting by then if you work hard on it, and in any event you could always find another job there, take a leave. You can do it."

So putting that forward made me feel good, but the same old doubt about how successful I'm going to be in not being desperately lonely all of the time here if my heart is always somewhere else reared its head again.

Oh well. As usual, I'm not going to solve this today.

I set up an art corner! My desk faces west. Everything on it is Italy and cherished memories and it's lovely. The Waterman pen that my Dutch friend had engraved for me before my last major marathon, "marathon girl" is in a place of importance. Marco's rainbow/butterfly stained glass is in the window. I hope that these things will remind me constantly to not give up; that some people, somewhere, find me interesting and good company, that I've had so many wonderful adventures and I will have more in future, and that life has its place with me in it.

That sounds morose. I'm not actually depressed. I'm more antsy, frustrated...and only minorly so. I had such a pleasurable time last week with Sabrina and Andrea and Marco and I wish my life here could be a little bit like that. People don't seem to understand me here.

When we were eating breakfast together last Wednesday, Sabrina and I talked about Caravaggio. We talked about Venice. She said some interesting things about Venice. Or at least they were interesting to me - I'd never heard anyone express them exactly so. Venice is a woman. Sabrina hadn't understood Venice when she first saw it, but over time she started to see it as erotic, with all of its pathways that amount to a passage to nowhere exactly except to the end of itself.

I can't wait to get back to Italy. I hope I get there soon. I have so much to look forward to. It just seems a shame that my whole life here is about looking away into the distance.

So here are some pics of the somewhat reformed apartment!

(And don't worry about me - I'm going to sign up for a new drawing class, start studying Italian again, try some other things...I will find something fresh and exciting to love here. I'm also going to start applying to international organizations in Europe, just for a lark.)

I'm glad I'm still someone who thinks every time she sees a sunset that this is the last time she'll see that particular sunset.

Spare room full of stuff. And you can't even see the bicycles!! Well, it's actually not as full as it looks - there's just some awkward stuff in the room - a chair, my bicycle trainer, etc.