enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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First day back: update. PS Marco entry one back

Hi friends,

I wrote a note this morning and then diaryland wouldn't accept.

It's of no import.

Initially I was feeling a bit of my post-Italy depression (everything is a comparison, and Canada with its rotten food and people walking around in yoga clothing doesn't measure up), but I'm over that now. People are so friendly to me at work now and also in my French class, that I had a marvelous day.

And do you know what? I realize that it might just be all about me. :) What I mean by that is that overall my baseline is happy and friendly these days and so people are reacting to that. Sure, I'm sad to leave Europe. I'm also excited though to see what I can do with my growing confidence here in Ottawa.

Also, mostly I got closure with Marco. Most of all I've realized that I'm never going to get more from him. He's not going to open up and tell me what I want to know. And the thing is that what I'd imagined my feelings still were were so different from what my feelings were when I actually saw him. Perhaps we simply didn't spend enough time together again this time for the feelings to build again, but I honestly felt no desire to cry. And re. him opening up again...I think it's just not going to happen. I have to move on. Hopefully I've moved on more than I had before I was there again this time.

I think I have.

So, I gave super C. his new purple scarf. And he actually liked it! It looks fabulous on him. And when I say purple, I mean a soft purple. It's the prettiest shade of...I dunno the correct term...heathered mauve. It's absolutely stunning. Very classy. He looks wonderful. He said that he didn't want to go over the top as men here might be bothered by the style. I said, "Gee, dude, why not just say, 'But I am European.' Own it. Why not look gorgeous when you are gorgeous? And trust me, women will like it. All of the other details about you are very masculine."

So score one for me. I also bought him a heather grey one with a matching hat, so he can go for those when he feels more conservative. I'm friendly like that. :)

So dudes, I'm so glad I went to Firenze. It fired up my juices again, gave me such a confidence boost in feeling beautiful with all of the attention that I got. The added bonus being that a beautiful Parisian woman complimented my looks, my style AND my French. Honestly, on each count, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I'm really starting to realize that I have an incredibly distorted view of myself. I think I see something much more ordinary than some other people see. I'm sorry that that sounds arrogant. That's not what i mean, and this I'm treating like a diary entry. I'm discovering things that I want to remember.

Well, it's not that looks are something on which to base confidence. But they've been my weak area. So I'm building and feeling better.

I felt badly, too, about how much money I spent in Europe. But then I thought about it and realized that i actually didn't spend that much. I bought two pairs of quality shoes (one pair of pumps, one pair of loafers), one pair of classic, soft, flat-heeled boots, and one handbag. That's not overboard at all. I didn't buy any clothes. That's good. Everything is an investment piece. The handbag is a simple Coccinelle one in a lovely, deep, soft chocolate brown bordering very slightly on taupe. It's classic and soft, with a beautiful handle. I love it. I only have one handbag - a black one - so it was time to have something softer for some occasions.

So, bon. I'm cool. Today I worked hard on my French. I also returned to find that everything I'd done before I left was perfect and so nothing was returned and no additional work was needed on my files whilst I was away. That's a small miracle in itself. I completely let go of and forgot about everything when I was away (Italy is good for me like that).

I just called my new landlord and the keys will be ready for me Sunday morning. I'll move in Sunday morning and early afternoon. I'm so excited! Tomorrow I'll spend packing and cleaning up the few remaining details - there's not too much, but enough that it will take the day of piddling around, after yoga.

I'm so happy. I'm going to enjoy this time in my life. Every second of it. I know how fleeting peace can be. Also, Sabrina said something on Wednesday night that stayed with me: "You have everything."

I don't know why she said it, but it's exactly true. I have everything. I am very fortunate.

7:28 p.m. - 2009-10-30

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