enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Return to the big 0

Hi friends,

Got in the door after 16 hours in transit, just an hour ago. My apartment is dusty and full of boxes and the post-Italy depression has already set in! (It's as though all of the *light* has been sucked out of my life and I am stuck in an isolation tank...so true of my life here, no?)

OY!

I'm afraid that I already want to go back again. Can you guess that Paris might get put off again?

Anyhow. No talking now. I'm so tired. So last night: a quick rundown. After a lovely, lovely, lovely evening with the biologist, I met Marco and he took me to dinner. A friend suggested a cliff hanger, but actually I'll be completely honest about my feelings.

I was incredibly surprised, as we kept the dinner on a friendly tone and at no time did it feel uncomfortable. In fact, I haven't cried one tear. It's going to take a bit of time to process everything I thought, but really I think what I concluded is that it's about him and not about me.

On the one hand, even though I suggested a drink, he had planned to take me to dinner. He had driven back from the Dolomites specifically to see me. Furthermore, as we were walking to the restaurant he said, "I'm taking you to the restaurant I took you to last September."

That was the place of the evening that was probably our most romantic evening together ever.

So that was weird.

Furthermore, when we got into the restaurant we got a table near the back and he pointed over to the table beside us and said, "That's where we sat. I remember more than you think I do."

But then, after that, folks, it got frustrating. He wouldn't talk about anything. Not that I tried too hard. He has a box built around him. He also looks tired and terrible. He kept on bringing up my personal life and what I was "doing on dates," and when I said I'd just been working he said the same of himself. Apparently he's led tours for fifty days straight, even though he had claimed at the beginning of the summer that he would be taking a day off per week.

To tell the truth, I'm concerned for him. I think he's given up on a lot of things. I think he might be depressed. I don't know what exactly to do about it.

So it was strange. He insisted on buying me an expensive dinner and a good bottle of wine, we chatted and laughed quite a bit...but nothing dug under the surface. He dropped me off, we embraced in the usual Italian way...the end. He did though ask me to send him pics of my drawings.

I was smiling when I went back into the hostel. I was smiling when I chatted with Sabrina about it. To be honest, I was more thrilled by the wonderful feeling I had with the biologist. I'm learning with respect to this dating thing.

But today on the plane a whole mixture of thoughts and emotions - I couldn't really pinpoint them all - started to creep in. I felt, in particular, a kind of deep sadness and guilt that I hadn't contacted him when I arrived in Italy. Apparently he had just taken those four days to go to the Dolomites to do a specialized tour prep because he was able to have someone very good cover his stressful day tours for a few days and he knew he was about to break down from overwork. Had I called him perhaps we would have gone cycling together, had a chance for a more intimate chat. Somehow I feel - and this is stupid, I know - that I was too hard on him and that he kind of needed me to be a friend.

I know, I know. Stupid me. Still, I feel rather terrible. I hardly saw him, he spent money on me AGAIN, went out of his way. And I feel as though he's changed - aged - in the last year. Something isn't right.

Anyhow. Not sure how to express it. I need to write some of this to him. I want to be a better friend.

Where does the other stuff come into it? Well, for sure when I saw him last night I could see the differences in our ages and life stages. I felt OK with the romantic part of things. Today, it's the same. Only today I've started remembering what he was like last year, and THAT man is still in my heart I guess.

This is rambling, pure and simple. I'm completely wiped out. I had a couple of drinks last night because of the wine and the dessert wine that I had, and then I slept all of 4 hours in three bouts, because I had to get up very early (4 a.m.) for the airport. I had a long layover in Frankfurt and then an 8.5 hour flight. And then a long wait for the bus at home. There were also some unusually gross tourists on my various flights - angry, complaining people - and so overall it was a bad day. I'm doing laundry - my cough syrup exploded in my checked bag (but thankfully my wine and shoes are fine) - and pretty soon I'm going to conk out in bed I think. Tomorrow I'll start fresh and think things through some more.

Overall verdict: I had an incredible time, I think I got some closure on some things, and I had the wonderful pleasure of meeting a new French friend and a new Italian friend (who really wants me to visit again, and what a gentleman he was...and we have so much in common and are near in age...so kind...very impressed..but don't worry as I'm not about to start another year and a half of thinking of an Italian who doesn't live here...not going there).

OK. That's all for now. Will start reading again tomorrow. HUGS!

8:28 p.m. - 2009-10-29

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