enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The heart is a bastard bleeding shitheel

Thanks to Fifi I have a new fabulous expression: shitheel!!

OH dudes, I am in trouble. It is different than before. Maybe it's because I have to leave Italia in two days. Maybe it's just because there isn't anyone else. But every time I think of the bastard - who really hasn't been a shitheel, but rather has revealed repeatedly that he doesn't know what he's doing, and got me emotionally involved when he ought not to have (OK, so he made promises he didn't keep. But he's overall a really, really nice guy. Trust me on this. If you met him, you'd love him. And even pity him a little.) - I start to cry! I was just sitting in a cafe having a nice meal and I started to think of sitting across the table from him last year, laughing my head off, and then the tears started to roll down my face. I have thought of cancelling, but I probably won't see him again for a really long time and I don't want to deny myself the pleasure (um pain. um pleasure. um disaster)

And by the way: I miss Italia already.

I think that jetlag must get to me because I am now four or five days in, I guess, and although I feel crap due to the cold I feel incredibly energized by Italia. Just like the usual feeling. I always need to make these trips longer. I love this place.

I wonder and wonder what it is. Am I a superficial batardess who just likes shoes and tight clothing??? I mean, I don't buy many or wear any or much makeup or purfume. Somehow, however, it's my secret alter-ego. I'm a peacock fully free and willing to strut her stuff in that world.

When I was sitting in the cafe I was also thinking about how maybe it's that I'm incredibly emotional - Marco always tells me that I'm sensitive, like him (only the last time it was "TOO SENSITIVE") - and Italy is the one place I know where people don't seem to be afraid of emotion. In fact, the more the better. That's good, I suppose, if there's a lid on it from time to time :) (my lid is called the "true north strong and free"). Stoic. Boring. And as the French woman said about Canadian men ("cold"). Not really. They just have priorities that are not my own. Many are very kind and decent. I think of the guys in my unit who all stood around my office with shy grins asking me about what I'd do in Italia.

Anyhow. I went to see two of my favourite frescoes today, and that is about it. I did what I love to do: sat for a really, really long time and truly absorbed what I was seeing. Then I sat and drew for an hour something in the cloister of Santa Maria del Carmine. It was WONDERFUL. I took a little video of the sounds of the birds in the trees there.

Love. love. love. this place. I don't know why. It's the light. It's the history. It's the warmth. It's the rhythm. It's the love of aesthetics and the aim of beautification.

Speaking of beautification, C. has recently become interested in clothes. (*Thank GOD, since was still wearing Buffalo Bills t-shirts from the 1980s *(with arm pit stains - eeew!, and a sweatshirt that I swear belonged to my mother at some point. Whilst I admire a sense of environmental responsibility...let's make the world a prettier place, please.) Anyhow. SO he bought two coats recently (on his own) and he looks very dashing (he also bought shoes - not quite Italian, but very stylish). I told him that I'd buy him an ice grey scarf in Italia because his coats are black and a khaki brown (brown and heather grey are a very sophisticated combo with a blonde head, in my view). Anyhow, so if you can believe it, IN FIRENZE, I can't find THE scarf!! I think he'll kill me for buying cashmere, but I want to buy him a really nice one. Of course the one that I found today is a darker grey than I had wanted. DOH!

Well, enough of that. You will be bored by this!

By the way, I'm going to the opera tomorrow evening. La Boheme. I hope I'm not coughing by then. I bought some cough syrup just in case. I hope I feel better tomorrow. It's inevitable. At least I should be better by the time of my move on Sunday.

XO Can't wait to show you my videos and pictures.

PS There are the msot annoying people screaming over me in I don't even know what language. I think maybe they are Brazilian. I seriously hate the way that young people have no respect for other people around them. It's too loud and I'm not interested in your conversation, people.. Grow up!

Sorry, a little bit of loose emotion there. :)

5:54 p.m. - 2009-10-26

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