enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Tranquilo

Hey dolls,

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm feeling much better. I went for a long walk around the city in the cool air and ate dinner. I have some tightness on the LEFT HAND side of my chest now that is unusual but it is much less than before. One of my colleagues had a chest cold last week and so I probably got a bug from him. Sometimes I get viruses in a weird way - they don't fully hit me but run through me in an accelerated fashion. That's been the case ever since I became athletic. I guess my body's defenses are pretty good. Let's hope so, anyhow.

So tomorrow I'm going to head out into the park to draw, and of course into a few of my favourite churches.

I apologize for being less exuberant than is the case typically when I'm in Italy. Although I am very experienced with respiratory distress, the toughest part of it is keeping anxiety out of the picture. Once you can't breathe properly the anxiety makes it worse. Even having an inhaler in hand, before taking the medication, has an enormous placebo effect.

At any rate, I think I'm fine. I just wanted you to know. I didn't get much sleep the night before last and I didn't sleep at all on the plane. (And then of course spent a miserable 5 hours in the Frankfurt airport.)

All is well!

I was thinking something wonderful on the plane today, actually, and again whilst walking around the city tonight. It's that my current favourite word in the English language is surrender. I've been practising it lately. Not giving up, but surrendering fully and completely to what is. I walked around today practising NOT permitting anxiety to enter the asthma picture. I walked around tonight NOT wanting to look like or be anyone other than myself. I don't want to buy any boots, a flashy this or that. I'm a plain, au naturel English Canadian girl with a practical streak and values that she wants to live by and that's OK. And incidentally, this also means NOT having dinner with Marco. I've decided that it's best to leave those memories in the past. This trip is for me alone. Maybe in the future I'll see him again, but for now no. I probably won't be coming back here next year, since I'm at the moment very very keen to go to England and Ireland in the spring (for sure) and then possibly Paris or somewhere else later in the year (not sure).

I've been surrendering lately to my life in Ottawa, my job, my path as it is. This is a great feeling. Sweet surrender.

Bon. I'm going to curl up with a book and some hot tea so that I can get up early and enjoy a full day tomorrow. Be well! XO

8:33 p.m. - 2009-10-22

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